Sam Ellis

Failures as a white dude: haven’t seen Back to The Future or *gasp* The Godfather

Failures as an actor/theatermaker/person with a BFA: haven’t seen or read Hamlet in its entirety (and at this point it’s become a game to see how long I can keep that streak going)

Self-tape auditions are a pain in the ass, but sometimes they give you an excuse to shout “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” at your boyfriend and that is a 10/10 experience that I cannot recommend enough.

Dealer: Name of the game is 5 card stud.
Player 1: I’m in.
Player 2: I’m in.
Me, wearing only 5 playing cards taped strategically to my body: So there’s been a misunderstanding.

One terrible thing about being from a small town is when you casually use a folksy phrase from home and immediately think "God, I hope that doesn't have a racist origin."

a man with his eyes closed and the words dump him girl written below him ALT: a man with his eyes closed and the words dump him girl written below him

Yeah, this tweet is about you, your boyfriend’s a notorious tool.

Everyone argues about who the villain of Devil Wears Prada is, but we can all agree the moral of that story is “If you live in New York, your friends, lover, coworkers and boss will all be huge assholes.”

New mother: Actually, we’d prefer to use ‘they/them’ pronouns until the baby is old enough to-
Me: Are you asking me to stop referring to your baby as “it”?
NM: Yes, please and thank you.

Much like all Dragon Quest games need Slimes and all Final Fantasies need Chocobos, all Silent Hills need an Ungodly Amalgamation of Ass and Titties that Represents the Oedipal Complex or Whatever.

It’s good to see the Silent Hill monster design team are still some of the biggest perverts to ever walk God’s green Earth.

“You don’t have a problem, lots of people have a glass of wine or two while they make dinner” I tell myself as I pull my 5-minute lasagna from the microwave.

Listen, if I knew the answer, I’d respond to you both.

I don’t workout to “get healthy”, I workout to “become the undead.”

The other day, a nurse told me my resting heart rate has gotten so low that it’s “basically the bare minimum to sustain life” and apparently “Sweet, almost to my goal” was NOT the response he wanted.

Happy birthday, hope you have a beautiful one!

Can’t finish a series that’s not finished, baby! Book #5 drops next month and hopefully they adapt them all, they get better with age.

I mean, it’s a 12 song soundtrack, so it empirically does.

Listen, take it up with Kyle and Jenn of Apple Fitness+, I didn’t make the damn workouts.

How many KPop Demon Hunters songs can I add to my Bar Trivia Host playlist before I start getting complaints from the sports guys?

Oh, come on, if somebody in this chain should be reprimanded, it is NOT me.

What can I say, my milkshake brings all the plants to the yard.

My high school bio teacher once said “allergies are just your body’s very reasonable reaction to plants trying to have sex with you” and I think about that every time I sneeze now.

Oh yeah, our apartment is not exactly chilly, but it’s totally manageable. This total breakdown was brought to you exclusively by the 5 minute walk to the grocery store.

It’s 98 degrees in NYC today, all rules of dignity and decorum have been replaced with “mind your damn business.”

If you saw me stick my head in the Hungry Man freezer at the grocery store while sobbing and quietly singing “Let It Go” to myself today, no you didn’t.

Dudes, the "crisis" that men are facing, is self-imposed. You've flattened the definition of masculinity into something ugly, unhealthy and unsustainable. You don't need Communist Joe Rogan to appear to lead you to True Manhood, you just need to stop fearing empathy.

Much like a gathering of lions is called a “pride” and a gathering of crows is a “murder”, a gathering of teenage boys is a “fucking nuisance”

He’s doing pretty well. He’s weirdly classier and less smut-inclined than Sober Me, which is probably something to discuss with my therapist.

Let me know if you need partially remembered recs!

“You said you were gonna stop drunk requesting books from the library, Sam, you PROMISED.” - me to myself every Monday morning when I check my email

I thought that was shorthand for her franchise of summer programs where she teaches appreciation of intentionally overwrought art, Anna Camp’s Camp Camps.