Mike Malone

“Let me be clear…”

-healthy pee

Gen Z parents will be like
“OH I’ll give you something to vibe about!”

If you ever think you have a bad idea, just remember someone was like
‘forget zippers. let’s put 7 buttons on that fly’

So recent polls show that two-thirds of Americans don’t believe polls.

Ballroom is where the lockers are at the YMCA

Life Savers candy thinks a little too highly of themselves.

No one :

Middle age guys after sneezing:
“Ahhh.. Cramp…..cramp…”

When I 💀, I picture golden elevators and everyone dressed to impress.

Then I’m greeted with,
‘Welcome! So good to see you!
Because We need to plug in around the pin we put in last quarter’s proficiency report,’
….and realize I went to the other place.

I used to punch a clock every day… and boy did my hand hurt .

I’m leaving this world the same way I came in;
To the sound of someone going “oops, my fault”

“I know, officer,
but this time they really DID steal priceless Royal French diamonds and pearls.”

Remember when we used to forward emails of “remember when….”

On Halloween, I went to school as the Invisible Man.
I just stood next to girls all day.

Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it which is why we have dudes with mullets and mustaches right now.

Problem: drivers losing their tempers.

Solution:
replacing car horns with fart sounds.

Hear me out. A Broadway musical where Columbus falls for a beautiful native woman but is scared to express his feelings because of cultural differences and also he just wiped out her family.

People: “hazard lights”

New Yorkers:
“double-park for bagel and coffee lights”

Nobody:

Dads about to grill :
“Let’s fire up this bad boy.”

Remember in school when we knew who not to listen to because we had tests to prove it?

AI videos are getting ridiculous. I just saw a video of myself being successful

See what happens when you’z torment a man for years for the Butt Fumble!

“It’s a shame that’s going to waste”

last piece of chicken
🤝
college degree

I only would let my kids listen to
Wholesome Bunny.

No more hairdos

FAFO
on Signal

Everyday I see the news
and it gives me hope
that even
I can actually be a world leader someday.

It’s the government shutdownnnnnn 🎶
🎺 Duh duh duh duh… duh duh duh duh duh…
🎺 Duh duh duh duh… duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh 🎺

To be fair, I stand up and clap every time my boss joins the Teams Meeting

The Leaders that that have talked the toughest have always inspired me the least.

This app is cool because now we know who was buying those National Inquirer Big Foot issues.