Theo Lorenz (theonicole)

She must be in the advanced class!

A small dilute calico cat named Zelda folded up in incomprehensible ways between my side and the arm of the chair I’m in. Her knee is pressed against her cheek and folded over her front leg, her other back leg appears to be sticking out backwards underneath her, and her face is smooshed against my side so hard that her eyes are mostly shut. She looks like a badly drawn picture of a cat. She is purring.

Moments later, Zelda had rolled herself into an upside down pillbug pose and is staring wide-eyed up at the camera with all four limbs in the air and her tail curled up her belly. She is perfectly content and purring.

I cannot with this creature and her complete disregard for physics

I was prepared to have a middle schooler, but not to have partial custody of a trombone. Why trombone. Why is it in my living room barking at me.

For real tho, WTF. TERFs must be peeking under the stalls while they pee, because I don’t think I’ve EVER seen someone else’s genitals while using a public bathroom the way it’s intended

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work
theonion.com/relaxin...

This is why I still use the women’s room, balancing on the sinks is the only exercise I get some days!

You deserve to hear them 💜

Please borrow his words and adapt them however you like! My dad always said raising us kids was the best thing he ever did, and he would have loved to have his little ritual live on and comfort more kids. (His grandkids both get variations)

He was a really great dad

A page from my dad’s memorial program, featuring an old photo of Dad with my grandma and uncle. It reads: Those Things A simple reminder to loved ones, which Jim shared nightly with his children. You are special You are precious You are important And you are lovable I love you And I will always love you I will always take care of you And I will teach you how to take care of yourself. Thank you, Jimmy

We had my dad’s much-belated memorial service today, and I got a room full of people to repeat in unison the comforting affirmations my dad told us every night as kids. I didn’t really understand how lucky we were to grow up with “Those Things” until now.

NARRATED!

The dramatized versions are nicely acted, but their scripts were clumsily edited for the format in a way that made it harder to follow IMO. Meanwhile, Kevin R Free’s narration is top tier.

The floor of my office, where a colorful rug lies partially unrolled. Chad the tuxedo cat has shoved himself head-first into the rug roll with only his butt and back foot sticking out.

I’m rearranging my office. Chad is helping.

im also a hyperrealistic head on legs but you don’t see me selling out like this

It’s hard to sniff a whale up close, but my whale guy said they have a fishy smell from what they eat

I once posted “Do whales have BO?” and acquired a marine biologist mutual, who graciously answered my late night whale questions for years

IF YOUR AI IS TRAINED ON PEOPLE IT WILL ACT LIKE PEOPLE, BUT FASTER AND STUPIDER

Of course AI is fucking racist!!Tech isn’t magically pristine, it mirrors the biases of the HUMANS who created it—and AI does everything faster and stupider! We bake our own imperfections into everything we make!!!

Don’t have to redline if the AI just does the racism for you.

okay that is GENIUS

A Poshmark listing for “Rare! Vintage 1980s Levi’s briefcase,” a briefcase made from denim that has a Levi’s tag and a jeans butt pocket on the side. It’s $299

jiefcase

A large round longhair cat named October Von Spoopypants napping on a loveseat in a pose like a stuffed animal that rolled down the stairs. His fluffy white belly is turned toward the sky, his limbs flopped haphazardly around him, and his head angled back so far that it looks like he’s all nose and half-open mouth. A photo wouldn’t tell you this, but he is snoring.

A closer view of Toby’s face, upside down with the whites of his eyes showing and one fang peeking out of his mouth. He ranks among the least dignified animals that have ever walked the earth.

Look at this majestic predator

A small antique hand plane hanging on a workshop pegboard, rusty and dusty.

Another small metal antique hand plane hanging on a pegboard, this one caked in cobweb-covered sawdust and pitted with rust.

The two hand planes after a good cleaning and some time spent scraping off rust. They’re shiny clean and usable now! One is bare steel and one is painted black, which you couldn’t really tell from the previous pictures.

Baby’s first antique tool restoration 💖

It’s Mary Anning’s birthday, so time to share @katebeaton.bsky.social’s brilliant cartoon again.

SWAMP LEMON 🍋

A photo from the wedding cropped down so it only shows my shitty college boyfriend’s hand holding up one of his shitty abstract watercolor paintings. It looks like a kindergartener painted it, and not because it’s abstract—it’s a bunch of clumsily formed shapes in randomly chosen colors, with no sense of composition or meaning. I was already a semi-pro artist at this point, and he would carry his shitty paintings around in his backpack and talk over me to show them off anytime the topic of art came up. I dated that for a year and a half!!

Yeaaahhhhh

A friend of my dad and stepmom sent me their wedding photos in case we want some for Dad’s memorial service, and OOF. I forgot my +1 was my shitty college boyfriend, a man with such main character syndrome that he brought his own shitty abstract paintings to someone else’s wedding to show them off.

Steps

*snort-laugh* Booooo

Take a minute to think about how ancestral and generational trauma might impact people self medicating, how ongoing genocide and settler colonialism might influence substance use disorder, how white-centric treatment and recovery might be inadequate or counterproductive. Please help my friends.

And nothing will roll off the edge of the table!