STRUMPET❗️

Props make the costume

PUT YOUR HAND IN THE BOX!

I am surviving the horrors by:
🍔 Ordering Uber Eats (way too fucking often)
🍸 Drinking vodka
🥬 Smoking pot
😈 Having kinky sex

— and sometimes—
Doing the above all on the same day but in reverse order 🥇

My new job is super busy but I also get to order cadaver parts for some of my meetings…so that’s cool

my slutty schrödinger halloween costume may or may not be all finished

this fresh hell tastes store bought

When I interact with my tawtter friends from 10+ yrs ago I feel like we have just reconnected in the local retirement home.

You need a fanny pack babe. A sexy goth one of course,,,

I don’t wear a big coat to mule snacks into the movie theater because I can sit through an hour & a half presentation without stuffing garbage into my face hole.
Also because I mule them in in my ass. And also I hate big coats.

What a weird-ass Rapture. Only the Constitution disappeared.

Goading the conspiracy theorists by telling them the name Tyler means the mother took Tylenol while pregnant.

Perfect

Pretty sure the Rapture is actual for sexual deviants, I mean the name & requisite nudity says it all.

I know you will all miss me when I join the great sky orgy.

If I get raptured: I know there is a special Heaven for meeting planners. It is as sexy as Hell but you can only participate while wearing a headset, and making sure that everyone else is happy.

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me]

My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

Grinder crashes in the same city of the kuck memorial
Gayer than football

13 years ago I fell in love with
A gender fluid person. 11 years ago I fell in love with a trans person. When people say trans people are magic, it’s true. My girlfriend is the most magical person I’ve ever met in my life. I love her beyond time and space. I will fight for her no matter what.

Did I mention I am moving in with you? Please make sure the guest room is ready …..

*my funeral

son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan

They're getting rid of all the late shows so we'll have time for that third job.

I'm whatever Myers-Briggs type immediately forgets their Myers-Briggs type despite being given the official test three separate times.

Real Housewives of Denny's

When do we start filming?

If you see this, quote the energy you bring to Bluesky

Martinis go down quicker the more of them you drink

More proof

There may not be a god. But someone blessed me with the invention of hotel blackout curtains so I am willing to remain open minded.

Big fan of Marriott. Mostly because they absorbed all of the other chains I liked.

My least favorite type in the portfolio? Courtyard. They look like a drunk Swedish person designed a cheap hotel room, and BTW fuck you -no free breakfast 🫤

Wish me luck. New job tomorrow. New people who seem really normal. I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life, but I’m hoping that this is “the one”.