EmpressEsquire

Haunted Hayride Makes Extra-Spooky Turn Onto Interstate

Haunted Hayride Makes Extra-Spooky Turn Onto Interstate

*CB radio chatter* "What're ya hauling today, good buddy?"

"Hauling a load of tires to Albuquerque, how about you partner?"

"Monkeys, they are RIDDLED WITH DISEASE"

Feline spell-casters are valued members of the greater coven. We need all the help we can get.

the Garfield "you are not immune to propaganda" meme, badly edited to replace "propaganda" with the wordmark for the video game Hades

some pills are harder to swallow than others

It's a myth that black cats are unlucky. Everything bad that happens to you around them is intentional, because they want you dead.

hey guys sharing some tough personal news. i went to the doc a few days ago with chills spilling up my back and the tests came back today showing that the groove is in the heart now. they're recommending two separate procedures but i'm just doing the first, i couldn't ask for another.

We should definitely be judgmental about going through a Nazi phase since our country seems to be sundowning into one.

Spots are still available for Zzzs at the Zoo, our after-hours event where families spend the night inside the hyena pen.

(menacingly) Alright, pal. I've heard enough out of you. Time to give you what you deserve! *gives you a lil kiss on the forehead*

When my kitten grows up he wants to be a real sleep paralysis demon

you: taylor swift needs to address criticisms that her lyrics are heteronormative morality tales aimed at reifying tradwife narratives in an age of reemergent fascism

tectonic plate sandwiched between the continental crust and the earth's mantle: *shifts imperceptibly

hacking the chatgpt servers to make all the ai girlfriends friendzone you

Unless the person happily whistling a tune while walking by my windows is Foghorn Leghorn I don't want to hear it. Foghorn Leghorn gets a pass because he's a 6 foot tall rooster and I don't fuck with any poultry bigger than me

using the microplastics in my balls to encapsulate and neutralize the lead in my smoothie

ill bet the inside of the hamburger helper glove is wet

The etiquette is that you have to stop using the engagement party favor beer koozie once the couple gets divorced

Let's go make out on the bloomin' onion

Off brand Blueberry pop tarts, toasted and then dunked in milk.
Nestle instant tea
Burnt hot dogs with American cheese and ketchup

Seasonal allergies are so embarrassing. I'm all sick because a flower's flying cum got in my nose.

Got tear away pants for this colonoscopy prep.

Sorry I thought your baby’s ultrasound was your Halloween avatar.

“No worries,” I say, from the fetal position.

i was invited to a gathering tonight and initially wasn’t gonna go because every extra thing feels like so much these days but i made myself go and i’m so glad i did because it turns out community is so fucking important right now

Indiana Offers Tax Breaks To Attract Religious Doomsday Cults Law Aims To Bring More Apocalyptic Fervor To State

Indiana Offers Tax Breaks To Attract Religious Doomsday Cults http://theonion.com/indiana-offers-tax-breaks-to-attract-religious-doomsday-cults/

It's almost skeletons with glow sticks in their rib cages season.

darth TM@darthbluesky.bsky.social • 8h once a day be able to delete some one else's post Conrad Hackett • @conradhackett... • 9h If you could change one thing about Bluesky, what would it be? Gretchen S Bolanos @gretchenbolanos.b... • 15m So you want to take away people's first amendment rights once a day?

Cooking Class Instructor Can Already Tell Which Couples Signed Up Based On Marriage Counselor’s Recommendation

Cooking Class Instructor Can Already Tell Which Couples Signed Up Based On Marriage Counselor’s Recommendation https://theonion.com/cooking-class-instructor-can-already-tell-which-couples-1819579255/