Kieran James

Tired man’s bus journey home terminated by projectile pumpkin.

Quite so.

One of the few pluses of AI is that I can tell myself that the hot men who don’t reply on dating apps weren’t real anyway.

“We don’t schedule the trains in advance now, you need to call on the day you want to travel and explain to a non-train operating member of staff why you want to travel and we will decide if and when you can do so, probably with very little notice.”
- If trains were GPs.

The library is OPEN. 👀

Also to you. May it swiftly pass.

This is *sniff* so lovely. 🥹

Guys on dating apps: Looking to explore new cities and go on amazing adventures!
Me: I want to sit on a sofa and watch something not too demanding. You can also be there if you’re quiet.

The best things in life are (almost) free. 😊

The ultimate cure for any ailment. Heal me, soothing waters. 🙏🏻

Your chivalry is appreciated. 😘

Thanks lovely. 😊

I actually don’t mind Neelix. Kes could be a candidate. I don’t know why but Alexander makes me want to tear the flesh off my face. 😆

Kind of you. I’ll just nestle in here . . . perfect. 😊

a woman is sitting at a desk with her fingers crossed and says that 's all ALT: a woman is sitting at a desk with her fingers crossed and says that 's all

Was meant to be on a date tonight. Was really into him. He cancelled yesterday citing a bad week. I’m trying to accept this at face value but it feels like rejection and I am now sad.

Go on then. Shift over.

I don’t have the energy to explain this. Iykyk. 😘

Alexander Rozhenko is the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.

When you put someone in Archive and then check WhatsApp every five minutes in case there’s a message in Archive. 😮‍💨

😆 He was naturally delighted!

Absolute FILTH! 🤣

I used the word ‘hoor’ in a message recently and now my phone is autocorrecting ‘hope’ to ‘hoor’ and I’ve sent some very inappropriate texts as a result… 😬

Charmer. 😆

I’ve always thought I should be in advertising. 😆

What is? The blowjob? I will bow to your greater experience in this area. 😜

Earlier I was asked what haggis tastes like and I said it was like giving a Scot a blowjob and I think this should be the basis of a new marketing campaign.

If you’re producing a true crime podcast about a missing person called Vanessa and you don’t call it Vanesshed then you have lost my business.

Can anyone recommend a results-oriented dating website, or failing that direct me to instructions for fashioning a non-lethal pitfall trap.

If you see this skeet, skeet a pic from your device with no explanation.