Chest Rockwell

I feel attacked!

Did you hear the joke about the world’s worst thesaurus?
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

I’ve begun to invest heavily in stocks. Beef, chicken and vegetable.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire!

The CEO of IKEA has become the prime minister of Sweden.
He is currently assembling his cabinet.

I watched a documentary about U-Haul last night on Netflix.
I thought it was genuinely moving.

A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket, and the clerk asks, “Any baggage to check?”
The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

My wife threatened to leave me, so I took her crutches...
It's satisfying to see she always crawls back to me.

I met a guy who raced cars...
"Do you win" I asked, "No, the cars are much faster" he said.

I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

Just got fired from my job at the ice cream factory…
...I refuse to work on sundaes

100 hundred years ago, two brothers claimed they could fly
They were Wright

What do you call a female sniper?
Amy!

I called the tinnitus hotline,
It just kept ringing...

My Wife asked me why I never buy her flowers...
I didn't even know she sold flowers!

I've only been working at the bicycle factory for a week.
They've already made me the spokes person.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithe berg.

My wife and I were cuddling last night when she said, "Show me a good time."
So I stepped outside and ran an eleven-second 100m sprint.

Sadly, the inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.

What do you call a cow that's given birth?
Decaffeinated.

I got a free air guitar...
No strings attached.

My wife got mad at me because I keep using bird puns.
Well, toucan play at that game...

What kind of bears live at both the North & South Pole?
Bipolar bears...

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues...

I hate when people use double negatives.
It's a big no-no.

Why did the pediatrician always lose his temper?
Because he has little patients.

What do you call the science of soda?
Fizzics.

The worst hotel I ever went to was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.

Just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times.
Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of Loggin's attempt

Which birthday only lasts for one minute?
Your 62nd birthday