Danni Mac

Welcome to the guest room! Lights are set to 25% and they turn off randomly all day/night, I set the tv pop on & off a few times, and the volume will change randomly on the dot so it BEEPs a ton

I’m trying so hard to be a good person and it’s not easy when my pissbucket goblin sister is having DoorDash delivered to my door by my meth head ex boyfriend WHILE IM COOKING HER FUCKING DINNER 😩 😩 😩

My best friend blocked me because I hate Airbnb, which is definitively *not* a hill I thought I’d die on as a northern Californian - don’t we all hate Airbnb??

Had a dream my sister honestly apologized to me & it was so heartfelt / emotional - woke from that nightmare in a cold Aquarian sweat. Don’t talk to me about feelings that are ABOUT ME gross what’s wrong with you

I can’t feed my dogs until everyone leaves the living room - I feel like this is totally valid reasoning but my dogs are extroverts so they don’t really get it.

I’m weirdly embarrassed about how much I like hiking

My sister was always the golden child but now she’s a homeless meth addict that lost custody of her kid so without a better option I’m now the second favorite!

If my wife got arrested I could probably be #1 for like 8 straight days 🤩

You think aliens have a whole genre of movies where the theme is “OH NO! ITS HUMANS!!”? cause that seems like it would play really well and if someone I knew was a surprise human I would probably be scared, and I myself am human

Had a *very vivid* dream that I found out what was making all the cows brown (?) but we were running out of it.

you wrecked everything and now all the horses are wrong

I’ve been thinking about this for 3 straight days now.

I mean it’s objectively exciting or they wouldn’t have made a simulator, right?? I’m gonna play “go to work and have friends” simulator later - any tips?

Why not when? Have we given up on “blaze of glory” status?

Truck pulling a big ole trailer

Living in the country is cool cause I just watched my neighbor pull a big ole trailer onto his property and he took down some fence line to do it and it was officially the most interesting thing I’ve seen all week 👍🏼

I been lookin for you fella!! Hope all is well (enough)!!

When everyone in your bustling household leaves and you’re suddenly alone do you start violently screaming into pillows or masturbating? Or both? Should I be doing both while everyone’s away? I’ve just been doing the screaming lately but honestly it’s just not working like it used to

Flow is like the scariest movie I’ve ever seen in my whole life

Made my dog a new spring bandana but he’s refused to model it properly

I received a bill and a subpoena in the mail today. Fuck getting the mail. I’m not getting the mail anymore. Thank you USPS for all you do but please, fucking chill.

“I can’t get a full night’s sleep”
“It’s genetic”
“Insomnia?”
“No, Alcoholism.”

is eggs

Hey ladies 😉

It’s Feb and 70* and already too hot to lay in the hammock - I was not built for California.

I got my healthcare welcome packet on the same day as the notice that said my healthcare has been cancelled cause I no longer qualify, and unfortunately I read them in the wrong order so I didn’t even get to enjoy even a single moment of that sweet sweet state coverage 🙃

coffee being made at 4:30am so it’s always old no matter what (human) time I get up feels like violence

Did you know that hospitals have LIQUID COCAINE?! Did you also know that it’s quite ironically used to TREAT NOSEBLEEDS??

Like, too much cocaine? Have you tried healing this issue with *checks notes* MORE COCAINE??

being hungry makes me forget every single thing I’ve ever learned how to cook

Still cracking up that the best pickup line anyone ever used on me was “what’s your favorite Christmas song?”

Got my insurance card & I’m bout to waltz into Kaiser and just go from department to department seeing what my new doctor pass can get me like an American healthcare sampler plate. I bet I’m due for some shots and maybe a blood test or two , who knows! Finding out is half the fun!

To get a leg up on the Monday competition we should all start cybering now - I’ll start.

:::touches ur butt:::

Audiobooks don’t work when no one around you ever shuts the fuck up.

STAP TALKING TO ME

“I’ll help with Thanksgiving! I’ll make a pie!”
1. No, thank you.
2. Why is it CHERRY?
3. Why are you taking THE WHOLE PIE to someone ELSES thanksgiving?! WE ARE EATING HERE!

I swear I’m going to use canned green beans just to fuck with you now.

Oh my GOD cleaning is SO HARD why am I doing this I’ve made a huge mistake