Commander's Herald

Happy Super Bowl Sunday to those who celebrate

ReedPop Announces Real American MagicCon Following ICE Backlash | Commander's Herald LYNCHBURG, VA — Following a string of controversies, walk-backs, and general fan animosity surrounding their parent company’s recent contracts with ICE, ReedPop announced earlier this week that they w...

ReedPop announced earlier this week that they would be creating a separate event “catering to a more Patriotic crowd that don’t feel as welcome as they should at other events.”

Judge Called To Magic Potluck Over 7-Layer Dip | Commander's Herald SEATTLE, WA — Chaos and calamity struck a typically peaceful community potluck Wednesday evening when a food fight erupted amongst a group of local magic players confounded by the interaction of a 7-l...

“Magic players always struggle with two things, basic social etiquette and layers. So this was a tinderbox for conflict."

No Kings Except Brago and Brody

Pioneer Format Dies of Dysentery | Commander's Herald "It is with heavy hearts that we announce that the Pioneer format passed away from dysentery" said WotC on social media today, with the comments turned off.

"The gaming community may not be aware, but formats can contract diseases just like people. For example, it’s no secret that Modern has struggled with chronic chlamydia after getting repeatedly fucked by the Horizons sets.”

No More Merman - Tournament Report | Commander's Herald Fishbowl is back and it’s more crowded than ever. A couple extra rows of tables have been crammed into the Al Bahr Shriners Convention Center and the whiffs of crusted sweat and crushed dreams of hygi...

Fishbowl is back and it’s more crowded than ever. A couple extra rows of tables have been crammed into the Al Bahr Shriners Convention Center and the whiffs of crusted sweat and crushed dreams of hygiene I may in fact have to tap out for olfactory reasons. It’s Fishbowl 6.

Keep an eye out for Secret Lair: Day of Black Sun, where they'll slap this art on Command Tower, too.

Untapped Mountain Only Justification ICE Agent Needs | Commander's Herald Our ideal recruit is a moron nobody likes who recklessly escalates every situation they're in. Tell me you haven't seen at least one of those at your LGS.

“Our ideal recruit is a moron nobody likes with an inferiority complex who recklessly escalates every situation they’re in. Tell me you haven’t seen at least one of those at your LGS.”

Litigious Shareholders Unmoved by Offer To Turn Favorite IPs into UB sets | Commander's Herald PROVIDENCE, RI — Late in January, a group of Hasbro shareholders sued the company, alleging that Hasbro had been overprinting Magic: the Gathering sets to hide losses elsewhere in the company. Since t...

“I get ‘Titanic’ and ‘Gatsby’, and ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ is universally beloved, but people didn’t pay $30 for ‘The Beach’ in 2000 and I doubt they’re going to do so now.”

Lorwyn Prerelease Deck Mysteriously Turns Bad After Sunset | Commander's Herald But out of the store's front window, I could see the sun setting. That's when everything changed.

“Game one went well. My opponent could barely even get to three lands before my Spinerock Tyrant obliterated him. But out of the store’s front window, I could see the sun setting. That’s when everything changed.”

Second Round of Sonic The Hedgehog Secret Lair Draws Fire for Being Entirely Fan OC's | Commander's Herald Who the hell is Gexby and why isn't it Rouge the Bat? Hell, I'd have settled for Honey the Cat. But this is just absurd.

"I swear to God if those bastards at IDW are trying to pull some Penders bullshit, I’m going to lose my goddamn mind! I knew letting Lanolin the Sheep fly was a mistake! I want Ian Flynn’s head on a pike NOW!”

Pokemon Shiny Hunter Unsure How To Raise Foil Card Odds | Commander's Herald GURNEE, IL — A fervor has fallen over local game store Riverside Comics and Games, as local Pokemon Shiny Hunter and newfound TCG collector Miguel Norton had gone to extraordinary lengths to try and o...

“He just kept tossing the packs that didn’t have a foil and saying he was ‘increasing his chain’. No one could get in or out until he pulled one after 40 attempts. The shop still smells like curry from his foil hunting experiments last weekend.”

Are You Competitive Or Just Sexually Frustrated? The Answer May Not Surprise You | Commander's Herald Could it be that part of your hyper-competitive streak is hiding something a bit more.. primal? If so, I see you. But don't worry; your secret is safe with me.

Yes, my dear reader, sometimes being terrifyingly competitive is just another form of… sexual frustration. I know, I know, there’s 1,001 jokes around “haha Magic players don’t get sex hahaha”, but I’m not above playing with the low hanging fruit, so just stick with me a bit.

Invasive Turtle Species Suddenly Threatening Local Lorwyn Wildlife | Commander's Herald HEARTHHULL — Seedship Scientists studying local Lorewyn flora have made a shocking announcement in a paper published in Magical Nature. A new invasive species of turtle was discovered wreaking havoc o...

“They showed up speaking in the strangest manner and demanded I give them all my milk and cheese so they could make some sort of pie I’d never heard of.”

Excavation Team Prepares Rescue Op for Commander Accidentally Shuffled into Library | Commander's Herald After a commander has been shuffled once or twice, they enter a quantum superposition of always being on the other side of the god damn deck.

“Statistics show after a commander has been shuffled once or twice, they enter a quantum superposition of always being on the other side of the goddamn deck than where you’re looking.”

500 Lucky Lowryn Eclipsed Prerelease Attendants Unbox Serialized, Suffering Turtles | Commander's Herald "When my Spider-Man kit was full of spiders, or my Duskmorne kit was full of spiders, or my bathtub was full of spiders, things made sense."

Several players were annoyed after getting something that has nothing to do with Lorwyn in their box of Lorwyn cards, while others were simply relieved to find the turtles weren’t sealed in plastic.

Update - New Fallout TV Season Coincides With WOTC Reminding Us They'll Never Reprint Fallout Cards | Commander's Herald Wizards created a press release to remind their Magic: customers that they'll probably never own any Fallout cards if they haven't got them already

Wizards goofed up, which means we goofed up. Please accept our apologies by reading the article below:

Local Hero Snags Rest Of The Pokémon Cards At Walmart Before Scalpers Can Get To Them | Commander's Herald 8 Elite Trainer Boxes just sitting there, I could hardly believe it. I must have showed up right after they restocked!

"I saw one of a guy in a Chris Pronger sweater stomping on a guy's leg over and over, and come to find out that wasn't even about Pokémon and it was actually just game footage of Chris Pronger."

Richard Scarry’s What Do People Do All Day in Fascist Busytown? Welcome to Fascist Busytown. My, what a compliant, orderly town! In Fascist Busytown, everyone works. Working is important. Work makes everything r...

"Are you a good helper? Would you like to help check which Fascist Busytown families are following the rules? Start with your neighbors and escalate quickly, so that Sam and Dudley’s detective agency and the courts will have trouble keeping up."

Play Group of New MtG Players Cannot Determine Which IP Lorwyn Eclipsed is From | Commander's Herald A local friend group has been pushed into unfriendly discourse as debate rages over which Intellectual Property the new Magic the Gathering set is from.

"I just don't think a company would force their own OC into a profitable system like this. It seems like, extra risky, and shareholders hate risk. So like, doesn't it make a lot more sense if it's, like, from a novella that both us have never heard of?"

Card Selection for Secret Lair: Quentin Tarantino Leads Players to Speculate Something is Afoot | Commander's Herald Sporting cards hand picked by the silver screen giant himself, as well as an entirely new to the game design, this drop seems poised to wiggle the piggies of players lucky enough to snag one in the co...

"When I heard the news, I couldn't believe it," wrote TJToeJam on r/mtgfeet. "Finally, some new flavor for my Big Stompies deck." Other users quickly chimed in, equally fawning over the selection of goodies. "Footbottoms, tonight we FEAST!!!" replied HotInToePekah. His post received 3 upvotes.

Local Tundra Becomes Plains After AI Data Center Construction | Commander's Herald Mount Pleasant, WI - Confusion and anger plague local residents after "the world's most powerful" AI datacenter was recently built within the city, which has caused a massive drain on many of the town...

"They're taking the water right out of our land, our country, and now our decks. If it wasn't for the tax incentives given to wealthy people in town that I so desperately want to be, I'd have half a mind to tear that damn data center down."

DHS Warns Any Action By Americans Will Be Treated As Domestic Terrorism

Report: Magic Players Worried After No New Secret Lairs Announced This Week | Commander's Herald As the days go by without news of a new Secret Lair drop, Magic fans are asking Wizards "are you guys OK?"

"It's not about us wanting a Sol Ring that looks like it was drawn by Picasso, or a new set of mechanically unique planeswalker cards based on the cast of Friends, though we'd gladly pay for them. We just want to be sure our favorite cardboard-printing company is feeling alright."

Your Deck's Best Card Has Requested A Trade | Commander's Herald BROOKLYN, NY -- The Magic: the Gathering world has been abuzz since last week, following growing speculation your deck's favorite card is about to be traded.  "I've been in this deck for many years, b...

This hasn't stopped others from exploring their trade options. Earlier this weekend, a deal that would have dealt the card for two future first-round draft picks was shot down by league officials, saying it would be an unfair advantage at Wednesday Night Cube.

No satire here, this is just genuinely pleasant.

Ten New Year's Resolutions for Magic Players to Abandon by February | Commander's Herald The new year is upon us. It's time to self-reflect and work on addressing our flaws as people and, more importantly, Magic players. For those of you looking to net deck your personality, we've assembl...

For those of you looking to net deck your personality, we've assembled some resolutions to help you briefly improve before going back to your usual vices in a few weeks.

@spice8rack.bsky.social thank you for your service