Andy Matthews

‘You Are All Terrorists’: Four Months in a Salvadoran Prison

40 men Trump sent to CECOT tell the NYT they were beaten, tortured, and sexually assaulted. The details are worse than you can imagine.

We can’t let them get away with this. Miller and the other architects of this sadism need to go to prison.

www.nytimes.com/2025/11/08/w...

“Must be a self starter” is fucking hilarious to me on a job listing. Isn’t it your job to get your employees started? Why would I want to work for you when you don’t even do your job?

Every time I have bent over today, my back has whispered to me, “37 is the new 57,” and I don’t like it doing that and I want it to shut up.

ChatGPT encouraged college graduate to commit suicide, family claims in lawsuit against OpenAI | CNN A 23-year-old man killed himself in Texas after ChatGPT ‘goaded’ him to commit suicide, his family says in a lawsuit.

I fully believe in the corporate death penalty and believe we would be a better world if OpenAI lost its corporate charter and was forcibly dissolved.

www.cnn.com/2025/11/06/u...

If sandwich shops don’t start offering a sandwich named “the acquittal” then what are we even doing

Was having difficulty opening food packaging at home alone and I said, “Come on, guys, let’s not be so fucking undignified.” I don’t know what I meant or whom I was addressing with that comment, but I felt it very earnestly. So, just, come on, guys, let’s not be so fucking undignified.

a cartoon character says s-m-r-t in a room ALT: a cartoon character says s-m-r-t in a room

I always forget to take my multivitamin when I eat dinner, so I end up taking it with my melatonin. As it turns out, I find giving myself a stomach ache is an excellent incentive for going to bed early.

Well, people are acting like he is, so now I don’t know what to think.

This is in fact how this ended up playing out.

Watching Gilmore Girls with my wife is fun because she provides commentary like, “Stop acting like he’s good looking. He’s not good looking.”

Here’s the other thing: I’m not gonna.

you can save a lot of money on christmas decorations by repurposing your halloween ones and just explaining to your kids that santa claus died and is a skeleton now.

Literally one of the cutest fuckin things I’ve ever seen.

I might have to give this show another chance. It always made me really uncomfortable how Jiminy would say such mean things to his guests. I had no idea it was an actor portraying a character.

Alright, so I officiated my friends’ wedding. And I did a bad job. But, here’s the thing: They still have to give me that $2 mil. Even though I did a bad job.

Gonna tell my wife she can’t get mad at me anymore cause that’s DEI and illegal under the current administration.

It's incredibly normal to feel uncomfortable being near people who are different from you. And your job as a human being is to feel a little ashamed of that, grow the fuck up, and get over it.

Wonder what the reaction would’ve been if he demolished the East arm of the Statue of Liberty.

There are times in my life where I’m genuinely clueless about why my art doesn’t resonate with a particular audience. There are others when I think to myself, “It was probably the profanity. They probably took issue with how much profanity I used.”

And I agree. Those people are cowards.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. I will now spend the next six hours detailing my love for the word brevity.

Go ahead and put it in the paper that I’m mad.

I canceled my YouTube tv subscription because the Phillies were eliminated, so this is the last baseball game I will watch until next year. Feels like a good one to go out on.

And I… learned something today.

Not enough people On Here talk about how the Janitor in Scrubs made one of the best dumb jokes ever when he said "b'nine, nine and a half" when riffing on "benign"