Different, Not Broken

Closing the Kennedy Center “for renovations” is peak “you can’t fire me because I quit” energy.

What would our lives be like if he weren’t so insecure about his tiny baby hands?

JD Vance really will do anything for $5,000.

Also, I would like to see him fight Elizabeth Warren.

And lose to Elizabeth Warren.

Don’t we already send two people from every state to fight it out in The Capital?

I absolutely think Mitch McConnell should have to fight someone in hand-to-hand combat.

What you’ll find in my search history:

Hey, Apple News?

Get fucked for even thinking about publishing this.

The only brand that I’m loyal to is Lisa Frank.

We are closer to the year that Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century took place than we are to the year it came out.

Cetus lupeedus, indeed.

I’m feeling like market research of millennial women might be *too* good.

A show called “Killer Grannies” hosted by June Squibb?!

Now I just need a Spice Girls reunion tour (but with Posh, duh), and they will have me fully figured out.

I’m going to start a True Crime rewatch podcast called “Mormons or Florida.”

Does anyone remember the cartoon Histeria? I maintain to this day that it was one of the funniest show ever made, but no one remembers it.

I wish you a life with childcare who will silently mouth to you, "your mother is here," when you innocently walk out of your office to get something to drink.

John Waters walked myself back into my office so fast... She's doing the lord's work.

When your podcast producer has been on vacation, is 5 hours ahead of you and you have had an idea for a week.

If you were a kid who loved stickers and ended up a pile of stickers because WHAT IF YOU STICK THEM IN THE WRONG PLACE?! THIS IS TOO MUCH COMMITMENT. THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.

...hi. Let's be friends.

Me: We're getting an average of 20,000 downloads a month!

The universe: Yeah! You're getting almost as many listeners as literal white noise.

Me:

The universe:

Me: ....harumph.

Life has a way of humbling you.

You're forgetting that they actually *liked* me.

It is the responsibility of the older sister to say things like this to the younger brother when he learns that your mother had a total hysterectomy many years ago.

Cc: @crediblebs.bsky.social @theghostofbekzpast.bsky.social @joshuaerlich.bsky.social @katieherrmann.bsky.social

15 isn’t a child?

Okay.

Your daughter is out with a 40-year-old man.

I’m assuming you’re good with that?

That seems actionable. False advertising by your wedding dress. Sounds like slander.

That just seems outright rude. Who told them they could claim such outlandish things?

How are all of these people who I went to school with turning 40 when I clearly just turned 21?

Can someone show me where the trans women and drag queens are in the Epstein emails?

Oh.

So protecting “our daughters” was a dog whistle this whole time?!

SHOCK. SHOCK I TELL YOU.

I get to go to bed with Idris Elba every night.

That’s what I named my CPAP.

For the record, I am willing to lend the space laser to Marjorie Taylor Greene should that be helpful.

Grille? Grill? Gerill?

That’s Capital Grille if I’ve ever seen Capital Grille.

I’m in bed with a 175 pound male who is not my husband.

Do you think my kids are neurodivergent because I took Tylenol or because I can't wear socks that feel too "towel-ly" inside?

You cannot get autism over the counter.