Kim

Awww, 🥰 Thanks for the correction. I was certainly shocked by my reaction, didn't realize I was still numb! I was sure I'd shocked you!

My Dad came over with trash this morning, she wanted to come and he told her no, he needed time alone with me. (he left last Thursday and got back Sunday) <3

🥺😭💖

I'd have already booked but the Tuesday openings didn't work. A friend's call would be ... Close to the most amazing thing in the world right now.

(I didn't want to exaggerate, I thought of a couple miracles that would be better, including post vx ME & long covid disappearing)
🥹

Yeah, I'm going to need more. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I was scrolling through notifications, saw this again and instant tears. 🤦
(Not a great mix with the now constant nausea and a flared up neck. Chiro is on a weekend retreat w/my dad, Dr friend, and 50-100 other men. So extra alone...

Off to check your calendar...

A keychain that opens and says Keep fucking going

When a dear friend knows what you need before you do. 💜

But my cats need me so I will have to force myself up and deal with more bullshit.

Reached out to several friends to get a feel for support potential - it's rock bottom. If this is going to be the lonely journey it appears, I just hope it's fast.

Thanks...you always have the best words & photos. 😻

I am very good at pretending to be ok, & tend to come across that way in writing.

Today? I'm broken. Have started pulling things back together twice, only to be hit hard with something else.

At what point does a boxer just stay down? Tempting

My first smile today 💜

And then I get livid. She has to know this is the most stressful appointment of anyone's life and for any patient to completely ignore mental health while you're delivering devastating news? I don't f****** think that's acceptable.

Am I wrong?

Can I schedule an appointment with you and just stare at your compassionate face the whole time?

The worst of the worst. I am as close to destroyed as I have ever been.

it feels like she exploded a bomb in me at me towards me whichever

After my appointment yesterday you couldn't possibly come up with anything that sounded passive aggressive.

Even without my appointment yesterday you couldn't.

💖😘
(I just posted a long thing, read when you have spoons)

Profanity always welcome.
Reality checks probably needed, be gentle please.

And for anyone else going through this, oh my god do I wish you the best. The Best of the Best.

I said that because I did not go in there naively expecting rainbows and unicorns.

I also did not expect my head to be shoved into a pile of horseshit.

ha! my brain quickly gave me an image of me shoving HER head into a pile of horse s***.

And that's a good place to end.

Gentle advice welcome

So when the doctor matter of factly said "nope can't do any of those. Well we could do the implant but that requires pulling in a plastic surgeon and it might mess up the radiation and it might need care later on (and I don't give a s*** what you think or what you feel or that you're falling apart)

In the preemptive ADHD terror of mean comments / rejection, I walked into the appointment hoping to hear lumpectomy.

Prepared to accept double mastectomy. (Sensory issues, just one will drive me nuts)

Prepared to accept single mastectomy nipple sparing immediate small implant.

He's leaving today for an annual conference and I did not want to dump anything on him before he left especially because I don't know what's true.

Whoa. How'd that slip out? I don't know what I believe from yesterday.

And you're off the hook for the heavy duty support. You're still totally on the hook for hugs" which he's great at.

He did a lot more than that so that is literally saving me today.

I lied to him last night and told him there was no new news but another test scheduled.

I have a great massage therapist who also does other healing work.

The downside is they're all cash only.

But! My dad does not do health issues and emotional support and we made our peace with that long ago. I told him "hand me an envelope full of cash for counseling...

I hate this timeline so much.

And since I am hardwired to end with on the plus side...

I have a long covid doctor and nurse and they'll help.

My counselor is awesome and also does Reiki, and it's the best Reiki I've ever received. And I do energy work myself so that's saying something.

I'll end it with some irony that long covid folks know well.

I told one of my closest friends from years ago (we've not been in touch much lately) and my aunt that I just found out I have cancer.
Text and messenger because that's what we do.

Neither even acknowledged it.

I haven't seen it much here but it was pretty common on the bird for a while among LCers... I have five senior cats that I have to outlive. I promised them. The youngest is 12 and a half and still acts like a kitten.

Otherwise I would say fuck all of this.

Keep functioning? That's a tough one. Been awake 90 minutes and just took my first medicine to start the daily timed sequence of meds.

A dear friend asked if I was left-handed last night. Nope. "You might want to pretend you are..."

Oh! Mastectomy, right arm affected. Fuck. Ask PT!

Call my contact for the second opinion and explain that I do really need it now

Call my doctor friend and ask if I can talk to his wife who I don't know who had breast cancer last year and saw my second opinion surgeon to see if she has compassion.

If the pet Scan negates the need for other tests we were planning. (He also treats Mae Thurner's and will probably become one of my doctors here. Wasn't familiar with MCAS but researched it before he called me!)

Talk to my doctor next week about the surgeon.

Pray the second opinion gets approved

Okay I got to end this with a plan.
Schedule PET scan
Wait for results re chemo working
Track down social worker info and schedule (feedback re appt if nothing else)
Go to physical therapy and pick her brain because she does post surgery PT...
Call or email the radiologist to see ...

Oh I almost forgot something. There are a couple of things that were extremely positive that came out of the biopsy and she blew past them like they didn't mean anything.

THAT'S one of the main things that set off alarms in my head. And I just remembered it.

The second opinion? Over an hour away and I can't drive on the freeway so people would have to drive me to everything if I did all treatment down there. But there might be other options.

And it might be worth it because I will not repeat yesterday.

But my anxiety would go nuts if too many people saw it so that's just as well.

And maybe someday someone who needs it will search cancer and pots and dysautonomia and long covid and come up with this and know they weren't the only one that got sucker punched.

I had a lot of long covid followers over on the bird. I only have a couple here and I don't have many followers here because I haven't been posting much.

I can't deal with mean comments on the bird so I'm putting it here knowing only a couple of people will see it.

I should be focused this morning on taking care of myself and scheduling a scan and setting up pretreatment and finding out when I actually get to meet the oncologist

Instead I'm fighting tears trying to make it make sense.