Tom

A picture through a shop window with various kinds of net curtain hanging in it. They all have name badges on - "Beth, Lorna, Hayley etc".

I think this shop is hosting some kind of networking event for ghosts.

Photo of Nutmeg standing on all fours on top of a small cylindrical stool

If you press the bottom of the cylinder, her legs collapse

Oundle, and Oundle.

I was terrified enough as it was, a jump scare would've finished me off, I fear.

Love visiting small museums. Really looking forward to having nightmares about this guy for the rest of my life.

A map showing South West England and Wales, labelled "Graph of British Rivers". Two river courses are shown, labelled 'Wye axis' and 'Exe axis'. Does anyone read these descriptions, or am I wasting my time?

Graph of British Rivers

A photo of a colourful stained glass window in a church. The bottom panel says "To the honour and glory of God. And Louisa his wife."

Huh. I didn't know he was married.

Looks like I picked the wrong day to open my chunky knitwear and casserole emporium.

cartoon for the guardian by Stephen Collins - script as follows: [Scene is a darkened LOFT. Amongst the boxes and junk are FOUR KNACKERED OLD FANS - three tower fans and one circular, with cracked grey plastic and buttons missing. One fan, TOWER FAN 1, is a bit taller than the others, and is addressing them] 1 TOWER FAN 1: Right lads, get ready. 2 TOWER FAN 1: This is our time. 3 TOWER FAN 1: The time when we remember who we are, and why we’re here. 4 TOWER FAN 1: We are the four crap fans in a British person’s loft, and we are here to make absolutely no difference whatsoever. 5 TOWER FAN 1: I know what you’re thinking, lads: 6 TOWER FAN 1: Surely this will be the year they finally replace us? 7 TOWER FAN 1: Our plastic’s gone all brown... I haven’t oscillated since 2018... 8 TOWER FAN 1: Dave here sounds like a spitfire and blows like a sad cat’s sigh… TOWER FAN 2: Cheers mate 9 TOWER FAN 1: But no. These people are British, and every year, they forget the sun exists. By the time they remember, new fans will cost *four million pounds* on Amazon. 10 TOWER FAN 1: So we’ll be back down there... shovelling thick air across the moaning faces of a species that cannot comprehend the concept of air conditioning, or even just closing the curtains when it’s hot out... 11 TOWER FAN 1: ...while they incessantly bang on about normally hot countries which this country is now temporarily a bit hotter than. 12 [The loft hatch opens and a person comes up the ladder] PERSON: APPARENTLY IT’S HOTTER THAN GREECE, LISA

british fan chat

(A farmer came and rescued them)

An Amazon delivery van on a beach, the front wheels are dug into the sand.

Can't park there mate.

Photo of some clean small leg bones on a wooden board

Simple line drawing of the shapes of the bones all lined up at the top, below the same outlines contained within a sausage shape. The sausage has a long nose, round eyes and a little mouth at the left hand end. Caption: SNAKE

Dug up some bones in the garden and I’ve tried to recreate what sort of animal they might have been from. Looks like some sort of snake most probably.

I heard a ruckus in the kitchen and walked in to find her like that. Made me laugh so much.

Happy birthday to you! 🎉

Photo of a book on a bookshelf in a shop. It’s by the late Pope Francis. Large picture of his head together with the word ‘Hope’.

Wow, what a horrific typo. Right on the cover.

Valentine was actually the name of the scientist. You're thinking of Valentine's Monster.

👀 Excellent.

👀 Amazing. Took me a while!

Hooray!

Well technically it's Minnie, but also Mouse, Moo, Moops, Bear etc etc and so forth.

A photo of my kitchen, my black cat's face is poking out sideways about three-quarters of the way up a doorframe with an absolutely insane look on her face.

Please enjoy this picture of my cat.

Asterisks are ****ing great. I swear by them.

Yet ANOTHER person with the same teeth as me at the coincidentists.

I shalln't.

TIS THE SEASON

I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope he's getting all the help and support he needs. 😥

Bolognese are coming
Bolognese are coming

A photo of a bottle of jenever called "Jonge Bols".

🎶 OOO WAHT FARN OT OS TO RARD UNNA WUN HOSE ORPHAN SLAARGH 🎶

I always find Jingle Bells upsetting because it reminds me of the time my Uncle Billy tragically lost his willy on the motorway.

Please do share to help promote my Teeny-Tiny business.

I sell signed giclee prints, mugs, tees and greeting cards. They all make excellent gifts. You’ll find my little store here:

infinitebacon.com

Thank you!