Umberto Ecco2k

After pooping I waddle over to the sink and wash my hands before pulling up my pants

Yes I have a degree in physics. No I don’t know how to tear plastic wrap

A girl asked me how long I’ve been going to the gym so I sent her a picture of me fully nude (half chub) and said “long enough to look like this” (2 weeks)

No

I closed my eyes when Phoebe Bridgers showed her boobs and it didn’t take away from the plot at all

How I’m eating her pussy

C’mon cameraman don’t be shy, show us the other side of the gloryhole

I don’t have a problem with Bradley Cooper’s fake nose as long as they give him a big fat Jew bulge too

My hypnotherapist keeps dressing up like my uncle and sucking my dick while I’m in a trance

Zoophile excitedly pulling a book called “Animal Husbandry” off the shelf

I’m scared my life is just a simulation to create emotional training data for AI

Therapist: And how does that make you feel?

Be sure to subscribe for my next tier list video where I rank ongoing missing persons cases

Watch out for that guy, I heard he buys girls a big turkey dinner at the bar and then offers to help them get home when they get real sleepy

Imagine how much bigger of a star Charlie Chaplin could’ve been if he learned how to talk

Doctor: The x-rays show 3 bullets in your son’s stomach

Mom: OMG, he was shot?

Doctor: No, he swallowed them

A chance of meatballs, you say? but look outside - it’s sunny!

How do I know you’re a real clown and not just wearing makeup?

Sheriff: We need a blood sample from the suspect

Deputy: *Pulls out pistol*

Sheriff: No no with a like a needle

WARNING: The “lobster dinner” at Riley’s Crab Shack is NOT a meal styled after what a lobster would eat for dinner

There is no torture in hell. It’s just like heaven except satan let’s people
choose slurs as their name

AITA for being happy my gf’s dad died?

Trust me it’s not as bad as it sounds haha it’s just that he was really traditional so I know he’d have wanted me to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage and that would’ve been soooo awkward so his death really takes a load off my back. My gf is not ha…