Mr. Natural

An Onion front page with the headline: Congress, Now More Than Ever, Our Nation Needs Your Cowardice Who will stand up for our democracy? This question, fraught in even the most peaceful times, has only grown more pressing as our country approaches its 250th anniversary. Each passing day brings growing assaults on essential liberties like freedom of speech and due process. Meanwhile, our delicately assembled legal system faces a constant barrage of threats. Even as this issue reaches publication, the U.S. military has been deployed against peaceful protesters. We teeter on the brink of collapse into an authoritarian state. That is why, today, The Onion calls upon our lawmakers to sit back and do absolutely nothing. Members of Congress, now more than ever, our nation desperately needs your cowardice. Our republic is a birthright, an exceedingly rare treasure passed down from generation to generation of Americans. It was gained through hard years of bloody resistance and can too easily be lost. Our Founding Fathers, in their abundant wisdom, understood that all it would take was men and women of little courage sitting in the corridors of power and taking zero action as this precious inheritance was stripped away—and that is where we have finally arrived. Now is not the time for bravery or valor! This is the time for protecting your own hide and lining your pocket. Now is not the time for listening to your idiotic constituents drone on about what’s happening to their precious democracy. This is the time for getting down on all fours and grov- eling. Now is not the time to say, “Enough is enough,” and have the tough conversations about resisting the ongoing assaults on American liberty. This is the time to let the wave of apathy and indifference roll over you as you think about getting a really nice renovation to your house in Kalorama. But what can I, one coward, do alone? you might ask.

Donald Trump just unilaterally bombed Iran. A masked gang is terrorizing our streets. America has rapidly devolved into an authoritarian state.

That's why, today, The Onion has purchased a full page ad in today's New York Times with a simple plea to Congress:

Sit back and do absolutely nothing.

“My rocket parade was too small, bomb the shit out of shit that was already bombed or abandoned!!”

Trump's $499 smartphone will likely be made in China The Trump Organization's newly-announced T1 smartphone will likely be made in China, experts said, despite claims the device will be manufactured in the U.S.

Trump's $499 smartphone will likely be made in China www.cnbc.com/2025/06/17/t...

Well, that was as obvious as it gets in the market.

a man in a suit and tie shakes hands with another man in a military uniform ALT: a man in a suit and tie shakes hands with another man in a military uniform

Reagan people salute the commies now. They don’t care, they’re making $$$, same as it ever was

UK exports to the U.S. plunge by most on record as tariffs bite Shipments of commodities, cars and metals to the U.S. from Britain all dropped sharply in April.

Shipments of commodities, cars and metals to the U.S. from Britain all dropped sharply in April.

But the negotiating room was in gold leaf!

Not sure they lob a bomb on Iran or not, but the news bot seems to be really going off on this story overnight. Defense and energy stocks worth watching if money rotates into those.

$BA will miss out on the defense stock move higher. Iran news always tends to bring money into those names $LMT $NOC etc..poised with some room above

I was assured by many on your network that this was to be the ‘Golden Age’ of M&A under Trump. It’s funny to watch guys like Kernan and Santelli try and explain this shit away because they can’t let go and face reality

You can see how desensitized to mass murder the MAGAs already are, and how hard the bot armies are working at getting them all on board.

This is appalling. We are stepping over "the brink" of fascist dictatorship if we don't resist. The Atlantic is becoming a parody of itself

So what are they just arresting customers that don’t speak English or something? Wtf

It’s, unfortunately, going to be a crazy expensive collectors item

a man in a robe is behind a screen and says i love gooood ALT: a man in a robe is behind a screen and says i love gooood

Safe assumption

Did Trump ever find the gold at Fort Knox?

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER MARK CARNEY SAYS OTTAWA IS PREPARING REPRISALS AGAINST U.S. IF TALKS TO REMOVE TARIFFS DO NOT SUCCEED

This is the only way Trump ‘makes deals’. Today bitching and moaning how it’s hard to make a deal with China. Not sure we can ever unfuck ourselves after this, and we’re still only months in.

But……..”the swamp”?!

Hidden Threat to Democracy Slipped Into Trump’s ‘Big, Beautiful’ Bill The bill passed in the House included a provision restricting the courts’ ability to enforce orders.

A special measure so Trump can continue breaking the law.

Buried deep in the text of the more than 1,000-page bill is a measure that would restrict the federal courts’ authority to hold government officials in contempt if they violate court orders.

www.thedailybeast.com/hidden-threa...

Sounds like……an iphone

Huh, we were assured a new “deal” was going to be announced when Dipshiticus got back from the ME… nope.

Trump, who cut the National Weather Service, has been silent about the 23 people who were recently killed in storms and tornadoes in Kentucky.

Instead, he’s been posting multiple Middle East trip propaganda videos featuring himself.

If I were the owner of the @washingtonpost.com, I would not do a deal with the people who dismembered my columnist. Seems like a low bar, but Bezos managed to not clear yet another one. The world is awash in capital and that this is the choice should tell you all.
He’s so poor, all he has is money.

MAGA gonna bounce LaLota the “RINO”!

Trump tells Walmart to 'eat the tariffs' after retailer warned it will raise prices Trump blasted Walmart after the retailer warned it would raise prices due to tariffs.

The Commie Socialist wants to seize the means of production! Lmao…

Trump tells Walmart to 'eat the tariffs' after retailer warned of higher prices www.cnbc.com/2025/05/17/t...

Hey, remember all the talk about MAGA populism? It’s just the same GOP crap. Thanks a lot, Trump voters.

Walmart CFO says price hikes from tariffs could start later this month, as retailer beats on earnings Walmart beat first-quarter earnings expectations but missed on revenue, and its CFO said price increases from President Donald Trump's tariffs could start soon.

Walmart CFO says price hikes from tariffs could start later this month www.cnbc.com/2025/05/15/w...

Oh for fuck’s sake. We have a president now whose mind is deteriorating right in front of our eyes and they’re still doing this shit.

Dump Pump Dump Pump etc… it’s can’t be more complicated than that.