Modern Alcumist

brie wisdom #354278: "its ok if theres blood when you wipe as long as its less than a quart or two" i say as i sit on da toilet with a bloody piece of toilet paper

Loot that drops after defeating me:

Blood (common)
Shit (common)
Money (uncommon)
The rock I swallowed that one time on the playground when I was 7 (rare)

Wait, is Little Talks to Millennials what Born in the USA is to boomers?

I think that makes it even more millennial-coded. Like, "I'm gonna dance and smile while feeling the most hopeless, soul-crushing despair imaginable. Yes, I'll have another IPA and artisan personal pizza."

Bold of you to assume it's all from dogs

Is gloving just hooping for lazier people?

Consciousness was a mistake. We should go back to being bugs

I wish I had the kind of depression where I didn't care what happened to me because then I could go do cool stuff. Instead I'm always working on plans for my future; a life that's rusting away a little bit more every day.

a cartoon dog is sitting at a table with a cup of coffee in front of a fire with the words this is fine . Alt: a cartoon dog is sitting at a table with a cup of coffee. The room around him is on fire and he looks unbothered with the words "this is fine."

*Always tired*
*Low appetite*
*Consistently feels worthless*
*Little to no interest in things I used to love*

A cutaway reveals that two white domes on the surface of the moon are the top of a five-story underground base that includes a cafeteria, medic bay, research rooms, green house, a rec room, and a pool room.

For Sci-Fi Cutaway Saturday: This 1969 Davis Meltzer illustration includes a pool and a ping-pong table on the moon.

Gotta wake up every day and jerk off into the wind

Keep cy out of this

Next you'll get croup or chicken pox or some shit

I think the Internet has proven that a person's entire life is determined by what they were doing the first time they got horny

It's what it's.

When am I going to get paid for my whimsy?

Why don't I get a check after a long day of skipping through a glen?

Where are my medical benefits after making flower crowns for the local field mice?

It's almost like y'all think ordering my food in a bad cockney accent has no value.

An image of a plush, gorilla-shaped chair. The perspective and proportions make it appear to be enormous. It looks very soft and comfy.

What if we kissed on the $7000 gorilla throne?

Point groups? I'll point them out the door.

Sincerity is hot

TEN......THOUSAND DOLLAR RAM
TEN......MIL DINERO RAM~!!
- THE PRICEMASTER HAS SPOKEN -

I'm taking some time off dating for a while.

Which means my body is going to be like Prairie Chapel Ranch because I'm going Full Bush 😎👉👉

For instance, soup is bad. Miso soup is good. Both of these are true.

It's okay to hold two beliefs that contradict one another. Not every human experience needs to be completely logically consistent. It's okay to just be.

The bread I bought has slices that are too big.

It makes overwhelming toast.

This is a total disaster.

I'm a goon for VHS

ROCK CLIMBING 🧗‍♂️

all at once a queer accident happened

Yee Haw, pardner

My favorite thing about cooking fish is that you can't burn it due to their aquatic origin

450 kraft singles is about 21 lbs.

The world record for food eaten at once is 23 lbs (of salmon chowder 🤮). So it's possible that, no, taking 450 kraft singles to the dome in one go won't kill you