Will Davies

I’m not saying I’m bad at cooking but, and I mean this in the most literal possible sense, I just shot boiling hot carbonara up the gusset of my pyjamas.

“I have never authorised attacks on my cabinet” says Kier Starmer, plausibly denying the deniable operations of his enormous staff of political operators.

Every car is self driving, they’re just bad at it.

I mean, to be fair my favourite thing about the Conservative government was the ever tightening death spiral of increasingly unpopular leaders at the end of which the party buried itself in the ground at nine thousand miles an hour. Good luck to Wes Streeting.

Saw an advert for an “immersive Titanic experience”, which surely was the problem with the original Titanic experience.

Wallace’s attempts to excuse wrong doing by putting the blame on his autism ring hollow. Although to be fair, and I really do feel this was overlooked by the mainstream press, none of this would have happened if to begin with the police had taken the threat of that penguin seriously.

My housemate is attempting to make hot cross buns, and judging by the amount of swearing I can hear in the kitchen they are definitely one of those things.

Apropos of nothing when I went to google “man attempts to access women’s changing room” it auto corrects to “man attempts to enter hogwarts”. Two fantasies of the same deranged mind

Going to rent a big bus and drive round the country doing code breaking in different towns. I’m Alan Touring.

Clocking in for another day of bringing up the PIAT. It’s tankless work.

Cartoon by Stephen Collins for The Guardian. Script as follows: [scene is Winston Churchill in a bbc studio, giving his 'finest hour' speech] 1 CHURCHILL: The whole fury and might of the enemy must very soon be turned on us. 2 CHURCHILL: Hitler knows that he will have to break us in this Island or lose the war. 3 CHURCHILL: If we can stand up to him, all Europe may be free and the life of the world may move forward into broad, sun- BBC PRESENTER: Thank you prime minister 4 BBC PRESENTER: Mr hitler, your response? 5 HITLER [in the studio]: Vell zis is hysterical woke nonsense as usual from mr Churchill 6 HITLER: What we are proposing - CHURCHILL: Hang on 7 HITLER: Let me finish - what we are proposing eez a simple power-sharing arrangement - 8 CHURCHILL: What's he doing here BBC PRESENTER: It's important we hear both sides of the debate 9 CHURCHILL: This isn't a debate You don't debate fascists 10 HITLER: Oh here we go with ze Godwins law! 11 HITLER: Why must you people always compare ze things you don't like to 'fascists, Nazis, Hitler'... CHURCHILL: Because you are a fascist Nazi Hit- 12 HITLER [standing up, saluting]: RAUSS! BBC PRESENTER: *Please* Mr Churchill let him speak [ends]

If these guys shoot like the Uber guys drive it's going to be guillotines in the square by middle of next week.

Bigger AND the same price? Can you even fucking imagine?

It’s important to understand the distinction between catfishing, which is deplorable, and cat fishing, which is adorable.

My show “Much Peril Many Intrigue” comes to Leicester Comedy Festival in the 14th.

Two tickets for the price of one tickets with code “241PERIL”

www.justthetonic.com/leicester-co...

So unbelievably angry that the solution to all my problems is to improve and develop in the things that give me joy and purpose.

Surely media training 101 is “don’t accidentally do a Nazi salute”? I think on that basis we can assume that all Nazi salutes are a choice.

I’m excited for AI to rip the guts out of all these industries and then suddenly get way more expensive.

“Cut taxes. Fuck public services and fuck you all. Nobody deserves anything in this world. Also, is anyone willing to personally fight the inferno near my mansion? I’m willing to give you any and all of my bottle caps!”

I'm all for the elimination of Facebook/Instagram fact checkers and believe that we should all take a more vibes-based approach to truth. For too long has the tyranny of objectivity held sway.

"What trillion-dollar problem is AI trying to solve?"

Wages. They're trying to use it to solve having to pay wages.

Three Kings. George Clooney has to continuously wrestle Animal.

One movie. Remade with the original cast. Directed by any Muppet of your choice.

Charles Dickens [a idiot]: one marley
Brian Henson [a brain]: two marley, song

My favourite superheroes are Spiderman since he has all the powers of a spider, and Catwoman since he has all the powers of a catwo.

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I'm $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people