Twitter died

it's only insomnia if it's from the region of hypothalamus otherwise it's just sparkling sleeplessness

Of course I live in the past, have you seen the present?

photo of fried egg in a pan from the anti-drug psa ”this is your brain on drugs”

this is your brain on society

🪦 ☕️ ☠️ ✌️ 🖤

Why are toga parties so sexy?

Because everybody’s coming in their sheets.

(I just made that up)

Seems like we're not far from newscasters crying on live television. Happy Thursday!

High levels of CO2 in your blood will cure anything, actually, and you'll never have to worry about it again

Stop freaking us out

Until next time

Your secret is safe with me as long as it’s boring

I hate it when things aren't where I'm pretty sure almost positive I put them.

All sex can be casual if you end it with a fist bump

Costco caskets that fit the whole family

Not anti-social but like Hello..please don't sit next to me.

Kiss me, I taste like fresh blood from my enemies and lavender.

Yes I saved your post, when are we getting married?

the tittars on that goth doe

Do I know the Muffin Man? No, but I know the Hamburger Helper

“Main character syndrome”

Is what we all have to endure when one of them infiltrate a gathering where we were having a perfectly
good time until they showed up.

In a world of lollipops. Don't be a sucker.

What's the German word for some people's tendency to take something meant to inspire a little happiness and then shit on it?

hey hey

the microplastics are stored in the ballroom

You're the ghost of all your dead potentials.

I forgot to remind myself to remember something.

sports (derogatory)

I'm sorry for what I said every time I've opened my mouth.

*takes off daytime yoga pants
*puts on nighttime yoga pants

They only deserve a wink after they let me over

I feel like Florida always has a low grade fever.