I'mWintersMom

you make me laugh very hard. and been there.

Starting to think the check engine light is not going to go off on its own.

we're all mad.

I just completely ate it while shoveling snow and was mad at first but now I’m just bummed the ring cam didn’t capture it because i bet it looked hilarious

Seems like everything is in retrograde.

all sweaty and nauseous yeah no. 🤣😂

me five minutes after walking into the party

me: my hopes and dreams mostly involve you, me and a gallon of whipped cream and jello

interviewer: I meant hopes for your career

me: so did I…

Milf on the shelf

😂🤣 no I know you meant acid. I think im confusing today

Good morning. Danny Glover was only 41 when he declared he was too old for this shit.

move over thoughts & prayers. oh your grandma is in the hospital? fetch my sympathy lube

I’m just fucking with you, your honor

A group of just two or three crows is called an “involuntary manslaughter.”

A Spanish Chris Cornell tribute band called “Adióslave.”

do you ever hear someone's opinion on music and realize that they've never worked retail

I’ve been put in charge of Christmas dinner this year. This is how family traditions become family tragedies.

I just found a 20 dollar bill, tucked away in my wallet, and I feel like I hit the fucking lottery.

im not sure which flashbacks come from which source at this point not a one upper an i feel you

"You will be visited by THREE spirits"? In this economy?

I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure.

Or, like, literally any pleasure.

i have decided what i’m getting for christmas…i’m getting fat

we don’t want robots to help the police, we want robots to give us uppies from the couch to our bed when we’re sleepy

ok or the non acid trip kind of debris. im cool with that. ❤️

😂 im like challenges ugh 🫶

America peaked when we beat the Russians in hockey in 1980.

let me put it this way, no. jk nothing i say is ever a challenge

i'm syphoning capri sun pouches so i can fill them with la croix, what does it look like i'm doing??

😂🤣 I know. I was being ethical but sure poor works too.

nice. adorable. mine were miniature and standard. Pancakes was my girl that crushed me but kids change that. but we're ready. its ridiculous she gets all the dachshund so like i have to wait for luck. no breeders cuz duh no