Steven Burns

Japan declares a flu epidemic — what this means for other nations Researchers say that the number of infections for this time of year is unusual.

Japan is reporting a flu epidemic much earlier than is usual. This early season could have implications for other countries via international travel so do get your flu vaccines (if you can) soon! 🧪 #HealthPolicy

Aye but he was ginger, balding and fell over on a beach once. Can't be voting for that now can we.

5 painted roundabouts out of 5.

Grifting, sponging ponce.

You forgot carrying a 25 quid 5 litre water bottle around like some deranged wannabe dromedary, in the utterly mistaken belief that making yourself urinate 84 times a day is somehow making you a better person than everyone else.

That was fucking disgraceful, Scotland. #TheFootball

This is unquestionably the worst Scotland performance I can remember in a long time. Belarus deserve at least a draw. Sickening stuff when so much is at stake. Poor poor poor. #TheFootball

Eye bleeding

Ah. The joys of watching Scotland on a Sunday afternoon.

Holy feckin shite Scotland WTF are you up to now #TheFootball

Witchcraft. Burn him.

Today's pessimistic Scotland take is that we'll not score enough against Belarus and wind up second on goal difference, ultimately losing to Germany or Italy in a play off. #TheFootball

Beat Germany and lose to Northern Ireland? Congratulations, Slovakia, you are officially the Fulham FC of international football. #TheFootball

Looking like Chelsea FC? So, previously owned by a Russian oligarch, but now in hock to American hedge funds?

Partridge and the balaclavas at Norwich market has ended me.

Can Birds Eye give him a Nobbly Peas Prize or something, might shut the colossal baby up for 5 fucking minutes for fuck's sake. #NobelPeacePrize

Does he tell the story of the day he rang up Lotus Software customer services to request upgrade floppy disks for his copy of 1-2-3? Must be a lifetime highlight for the fella as he got to speak to me!

Allow me to introduce you to Fulham FC.

Is the referee going to claim direct descent from Plato or Agamemnon or some fucker after the final whistle? #SCOGRE #TheFootball

This is like watching Premier League v Division 4. Scotland being the 4th Division outfit. Deep sigh. #TheFootball

Well it beats the Marquis of Granby in Reading, which is now a burger and desserts joint.

I am vicariously enjoying your wee pub crawl today as I sit chained to my desk and laptop. And now I am insanely envious of that jug of bitter ale. What is it? Also envies for the long wee dug.

My teeth are falling out in empathy with your plight.

All sorts going on there. Did he have a German Shepherd dog? This guy is the EU in human form.

Also, San Mig in an Italian boozer, sort it out, Lando.

Campaign to Turn Off Tellies in Pubs When Nobody is Watching the Fucking Thing. CTOTPWNWFT. Pronounced 'see tot pwn wft'.

Oh no not Mahogany-McMumbley.

I saw thieves using an angle grinder to steal locked bikes from a rack in a town centre 2 years ago. They put them in a van with a local company name on. I called 999 whilst in progress, gave them van reg number, company name, description of thieves and direction of travel. Never heard a thing back.

Was the pub short of tooth picks?

Eventually all Universities apart from the University of Life will be closed. The School of Hard Knocks will be privatised.

Still manages to avoid Reading. Not sure whether to be impressed or offended.