Kristen Wixx

Gen X’s greatest achievement was convincing our parents we believed in Santa until we enrolled in college

[has to be forcibly removed from the premises by four large security thugs]

WE'RE GETTING THE ORIGINAL THEATRICAL CUTS ON BLU-RAY, RIGHT

PLEASE TELL ME WE'RE GETTING THE ORIGINAL THEATRICAL CUTS ON BLU-RAY

know that when you use your speakerphone at the table next to me I will have already asked siri how to dispose of a body

I see what you did there. 😂

Everyone involved is awful. I can't read anymore of the sordid details.

It really is amazing that the president has a noticeable an unexplained physical ailment that is disfiguring his right hand and there's no reporting about it. The White House's line is that it's from Trump shaking too many hands! Something is clearly being covered up.

pleased to announce that i am no longer a hot mess (it’s winter and i’m a cold mess)

My top song on Spotify Wrapped for 2025 is the sad trombone sound effect.

A screenshot of me finally muting Oliva Nuzzi. Enough is enough.

Not today, Satan.

A storefront Christmas display in Japan showing Santa Claus on a cross. The text reads, "I believe Japan doesn't yet understand Christmas."

Santa died for our sins.

Honestly such a relief when you find the one perfect gift that will work for everyone on your holiday list.

Layoff announcements top 1.1 million this year, the most since 2020 pandemic, per CNBC

You can go on a real live 'date' with an AI girlfriend at this NYC café — we wish we were kidding It's like "Her" come to life

AI girlfriend trying to end date: “It’s been a long day and my battery’s real low.”

You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat the staff in upmarket restaurants. I, for example, am not allowed in

just put $3000 on a personal credit card for a tax accountant for my business that hasn’t generated any income. god bless america.

Simple facts I'm terrified of my toddler discovering:
- public parks don't randomly close
- tv's don't run out of batteries
- there is no actual world record for "fastest at putting away toys"
- chicken the animal and chicken the food are one and the same

Got any to add?

Police recover a swallowed Fabergé pendant after a 6-day wait for it to reappear Police have recovered a James Bond-inspired Fabergé pendant after six days of waiting for it to exit a suspect's gastrointestinal tract.

This is the only news story

Dorothy Zbornak holding a teapot wearing a golden top while blending into a golden door.

door-othy zbornak: thread

“I’m a loser, baby”
“I’m a loser baby”

Commas are important. Babies are too young to be so self-deprecating.

maybe the most fucked up headline this week

If it's any consolation, I'm just as disappointing as you are

All I want to know is: why do they make you wear a helmet when you sky dive?

Being alive right now is trying to balance “I want to stay informed” with “this is actively destroying my mental health”

Teacher: If you have 10 chocolate cookies and someone asks for 2, how many do you have left?

Me: 10.

My ability to fall asleep vs. my ability to stay asleep.

It's dangerously cold in some parts of the United States. Here's a list of shelters and other helpful resources. Stay safe, folks.

A photo collage from Reddit user John Usher showing his wife, daughter, and grandson as children sitting on Santa's lap. Despite the images being taken years apart and featuring different Santas, the kid in every image reacted the same way—by screaming their head off.

🎶 It's the most wonderful time of the year 🎶

What a time to be alive. 🤦‍♀️

Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of War’ After Pissing In Break Room Refrigerator https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-invokes-fog-of-war-after-pissing-in-break-room-refrigerator/

@momjeansplease - My kid came home from school yesterday and told me his class is supposed to dress up as Elvis for morning assembly. told him| think he means elves. He disagreed. I can't wait to hear how his day went when 'The King' returns home. @momjeansplease (later) - Update: He just got home and he he doesn't want to talk about it.

#awkward