Larry

Love this.

Just scrolling those flowers looked like giant tasty nugs

I wonder if he's about to lose control again

“A Republican is somebody who couldn’t enjoy eating unless he knew someone else was hungry.”

~Mary Karr

George V W Bxar is my favorite president from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Goatse tart

Baking a Strawberry Tart for my kids bake sale #smokefleet

[birthday party]

MEDUSA, rubbing the bridge of her nose: who got me a Pet Rock

This past week, the 79-year-old president announced he’s ended six wars (some that have been going on for centuries), asserted that windmills drive whales insane, called for Beyoncé to be prosecuted, claimed Obama committed treason and complained a convicted pedophile “stole” teenage girls from him.

Comic strip: young boy discovers that one of his father’s legs has been amputated. When he asks what happened, the father cries, “not only does my son not know he’s a werewolf, but he doesn’t even remember eating his own father’s leg!” The son, clearly distraught, says “Oh my God! I did?” Then the father just laughs and says, “April fools, son! It was just diabetes.”

Leg.

Hello. I am an expendable character in an action film. If you shoot me with a regular gun I will scream in pain before I die. But if you shoot me with a silencer I will - obligingly - just let out a quiet gasp.

who here hasn’t fallen victim to the widespread scam where someone writes a thoughtful birthday card to a good friend and forges your signature?

This happens to at least twice as month

"he has a complicated legacy..."

People posting that they don’t know the Roman numerals for 159 are just looking for CLIX

I LOVE HER. She smokes. She paints. She powders. She reads La Vie Parisienne. She drinks my liquor. She stays out all night. She cusses, too. She eats lobsters at midnight. She does lots of things she ought not to. But she's my grandma, and I love her.

From The Baltimore Sun, 1924

Computers used to take up a whole room and required an entire team of engineers working round the clock to display one singular jpg of big titty Pikachu.

In the 70’s people called an attractive woman a fox or foxy because everybody knows the fox is the most fuckable animal

I accidentally ate two suppers last night

This is the type of campaign you run to beat guys like Trump and the absolute boobs in the DNC are like “no, you have to say that you are gonna give a 1.5% tax break on people opening cold pressed juice stores in disadvantaged communities”

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

I want to go to a Radiohead concert just so I can say I say them play There There there

A Rolling Stones cover band called
Mister Sorphine that only plays post 2000 stuff and a guy who's guitar isn't even plugged in who'll fight anyone who requests Paint it Black

A properly filled twinkle is filled with 3 holes not one meme

This also applies to your mom 😎

The secret to Baltimore's extraordinary year This April, Baltimore saw five homicides.

1. We interrupt this programming for some LEGITIMATELY GOOD NEWS

Violent crime in Baltimore has PLUMMETED to historic lows

How did the city do it?

Baltimore adopted a comprehensive set of "woke" policies, treating violence as a public health issue

*Noah releasing all the animals after the flood*

NOAH: Now go forth and multiply
PAIR OF SNAKES: We can't do that
NOAH: Why not?
SNAKES: Because we're adders

The RaGoose crime syndicate

My grown ass can have Fruity Pebbles anytime I want, yet some how no fucking Fruity Pebbles

I swear to fucking God, fuck pickle ball