Beard Al Yankmydick 💦🥩

My heart murmurs redrum.

Jerk me crash dummy style

Somebody has an epic sense of humor.

Playing fast and loose with my sodium levels

The asteroid can't get here fast enough

Transferring my consciousness into a gas station pepperoni stick

They're infecting me with incurable diseases tomorrow

Exactly. Let the search for the perfect pelvic floor exerciser continue.

They're pretty loose with that marketing jargon. 😂
At least it wasn't a complete loss.

Could be worse. Mine tried to sell me ED meds.

I think he was dead the minute he entered the prison. He just didn't know it yet. So, yes, if by proactive, you mean premeditated.

Do you think the Epstein death notice was drafted before his death because they were being proactive like an obituary writer who has notes ready to go on old celebrities or it’s suss?

the magic orb told me you will be visited by one million spirits tonite

Jake Paul is an absolute piece of shit and why anyone cares about what him or his dumbfuck brother have to say is beyond me.

👏👏👏 AOC 👏👏👏

They're testing various industrial solvents on me tomorrow

Ikr? Like, it should be the team who had the most fun wins

True. But to me, watching golf is inhumane torture 😂

Me like, "Oh, getting the most points is how you win. Interesting."

@IsMarshallOkay on x - Me trying to fit in while watching sports: Wow, that guy really has the zoomies

[Me trying to blend in like] Wow, such… sports. I hope the ball wins.

My dream is to grow bigger feet so that I can punt you easier when you bite my ankles

my dream is to grow vampire fangs so i can bite ankles more efficiently

all the white dudes out who can enjoy art from a different culture without peeing themselves in rage or terror raise your hands 🙋🏼‍♂️

When I see your labia

*blows a raspberry on your labia

you’ve heard of truck nuts, get ready for truck labia

Being lightly toasted