𖤐 I̲n̲d̲i̲s̲t̲a̲r̲r̲ 𖤐

new DC superhero just dropped

*removes gag ball to make Face ID purchase

I imagine what all of you smell like based on your profile pic

i really hate being the center of attention all the time *adjusts sombrero

Me, flirting

me: *waxes poetic*
poetic: just leave a landing strip

[friend] omg youve lost so much weight whats your secret

[me] haha thank you groceries cost twice as much now

Like Miss Cleo, but I'm here to argue with you.

Call me now.

starting a tiktok creator journey to become the blow job king of chicago

Have you tried filling your kitchen sink with warm soapy water about it?

Peak Gen X christmas decor

*quietly beatboxing while the judge delivers my sentence

Since social media is terrible now, I mainly go online to argue with Australians about what day it is.

hinged enough to be relatable, unhinged enough to be entertaining.

I’d adjust my meds for you.

sorry guys dirty deeds no longer done dirt cheap in 2025 but i think you'll still find my rates competitive

You know you’re getting old when you’re waking up on New Year’s Day about the same time you used to get home on New Year’s Eve.

I’ve reached the age where I take the ibuprofen before I go out.

A cat completely tangled up in tape from a cassette.

♫ psycho killer, cat cassette ♫

I think I’ll just continue with my resolution from the past few years:

Hang on for dear life

“I'm worth it" I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks

HIM: Will you please be serious for a minute?

ME: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* mmm ask again later

**drawschalk outline around that other app**

When I cook breakfast the kids call it “goth breakfast” because I burn everything.

my favourite colour? oh it’s in the ultraviolet spectrum, you wouldn’t know it.

Have you ever had a breakup that was so bad you had to change your text message sound

[teaching my kid to be an independent thinker] Google it yourself son

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I'm standard.

ME: That's not what STD is short for Grandma.