Uffdafuckingda

why does “You’ve read your last free article.” always feel like a death threat

i’ve deleted 5 drafts, so it’s working

Dogs talk about you behind your back

If no one died, forgive yourself already.

i call that an escape room

Not sure how I missed this gem

I just wanna follow you around while farting and scrolling my phone and sometimes sticking my feet in your face for no reason.

any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"

🫶

“I did not see that coming”

Me totally seeing it coming and ignoring it.

Fr tho chat, do you think Olive stayed with Popeye because his dick pumped up when he ate spinach or was he just a generous lover in other ways?¿

With every banger comes ten following posts that can only be described as absolute horse shit.

tax refund: $12.07

me at chipotle: yes. add guac.

a warm, gooey love

I blame most of [gestures at everything] on Hydrologic Press ASMR Videos

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my anxiety on my face and my bog witchness in my hair

God I hope so.

But is your TL scrollable, though? 🤨

A man at a basketball game wearing a t-shirt that says “I DO PEDICURES ON CAMEL TOES”

It may not be the greatest shirt of all time, but it’s in the conversation.

Zoomies, but for grown-ass adults, and during the middle of the morning

I’m sending officials down to Parker Middle School to confiscate and inspect ballots from the rigged Ford v. Carter student election of ‘76.

Also now I’m age verified.

The answer is 42. It hasn’t changed. 🦀

*puts on my boogie shoes*

sure, i may lack Self-Awareness™, but i make up for it with Mental Illness™ and Nice Tits™

I’m not here to be your inspiration.

I mean, I will be, but that’s not my intent.

If you love yourself, you’ll always be loved.

Panhandling. Not for money. Or for food but a secret third thing*.

*serotonin.

Make me.

The Cheeto dust stays on during sex.

From Jester, to Knight to a King by his Queens side, I’ll fill all those *roles and more.

*holes.

Did you expect anything less from me?