Dubious Genius

aliens figured out how to make big pyramids and went, you know what planet would love these

i hate that AI has now caused me to question the authenticity of cute animal videos online, which is my primary use of social media. i don't even know if this baby penguin actually wore a beret to go buy a tiny baguette in paris

Speaks poorly of Doc he could never cure Sneezy.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

The best way to avoid being hit with unfair taxation without representation is by throwing the leaves of a mildly addictive yet comforting shrub into the harbour.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

When I die, I'm donating my body to science, and my spirit to seance.

Quoth the Raven:
"Nevermore."

Quoth Edgar Allan Poe:
"You say that every time you're hungover."

A bell curve with a mouth and eyes added to make it look like a ghost

Statistical distribution of Halloween spookiness (within a margin of terror)

Single-panel colour cartoon by Dave Blazek (loosepartscomic.com). Two ghosts, wearing white sheets, sit at a restaurant table. One says: "Really? Wow. I've never dated someone with a thread count of 400 before."

There’s absolutely no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time

Nostalgic for the brief period in 1999 when we thought Blair Witch might be real

Ultimately, each one of us must decide for ourselves what is too fast or too furious

The Barbra Streisand impersonator scheduled for next week has been murdered by Barbra Streisand. Refunds available at the box office.

If he means the policies that cause immigrants to end up living in tents on the street, which occasionally get set on fire by racists, then yes, the government should reconsider those policies.

i'm struggling to develop a ranking system for sadness and i know it will end in tiers

Spirit Halloween packet. The image section for the costume is blank. "Introvert Costume "You don't need one. You're staying home alone."

That was simple

Literally.

Roses are red
Right Said Fred were Deeply Dippy

Every time I read of another old rockers reunion tour, I'm reminded of the Guardian's killer description:
"Mutton dressed up as glam".

Beethoven alive: Composer

Beethoven dead: Decomposer

ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF NON-STOP SCREAMING IS RIGHT FOR YOU

Undermine capitalism by living the perfect consumerist lifestyle, but like ironically.

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

(entire life is in shambles) hey can i give you some advice

*contemplating the resistance*

Ohm

When I realised I'd overfilled my hourglass, it was was if time stood still.

They say the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time, but then they ban you from the zoo before you've finished breakfast.

Spice Girls doing their thing in a video, with the words ‘Tonight is the night when two becomes one’, with the 2 and 1 replaced by clock emojis showing 2 O’clock and 1 O’clock, because the clocks are going back tonight, innit.

A 3 by 5 grid of warning lights from a car dashboard. Sauron has broken your car You have trapped your arms in the seatbelt The genie has wet the bed Your steering wheel looks like a sloth You're being spied on by an owl The exhaust pipe is in your windscreen A Victorian submarine has landed on you You're not ripped enough to drive Your tyres are on fire You need to restring your lyre Your radio is too old-fashioned A dead Japanese girl will kill you in a week Your vision is obscured by bubble-gum There are marbles in your silencer You are not a number. You are a free man

Ever wondered what those engine management lights mean?