Dan 🍅

Favorite sentence I’ve been told all week. Hey we see you in the shot AND you’re fishin lmaoooo

I got two types of on! On and moron!!

They call me dementia… early on set 🫡

The worst on sets are the JFK’s… the shots nobody saw coming

I’m rockin 76 movies on my Letterboxd for this year. Absolutely rookie numbers gotta hit triple digits before the end of the year.

Canceling Disney+ because they canceled Kimmel is well and good, but if you really want to make them pay attention, there is no better way than fucking Goofy's wife

they need to stop making all these different movies. just make one movie where everything happens

I know I need to work for money but more than that I need to get to Thursday so I can go on vacation

Why is it just pineapple on pizza and not all fruits? I don’t necessarily want strawberries on my pizza but why are we locking ourselves down to one fruit?

People need to say more ambitious poems to each other out of the blue. Imagine getting lunch with a buddy and they hit you with a spooky haiku… That’s hard AF

A while back I wanted to put off having kids cause there on Gen Beta and I’m not trying to have gen X call my kids a buncha betas. But now I’m like will I even have kids at all? Who knowwwsssssss 🤷🏼‍♂️

I think Cleveland as a collective need to start calling MGK Mr. Kelly from now on.

You know if I were a gambling man I’d bet my ass

The fact that I can have my windows open again is actually saving me

🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼

When the cats away….. the milk.

My house has never smelled better

When work doesn’t give you banana bread dude, give yourself banana bread dude!

How you gonna judge Sabrina Carpenter for “setting women back 50 years” and then do the same thing to yourself for some bozo from Vermont?

You know they invited cigar smoking so men could talk about their feelings

Although I hate it. It is kinda poetry that the BBB was passed on the 4th of July. A day we left an oppressive king that taxed it’s citizens too much. Our self proclaimed king passed a bill putting us in more debt and raising taxes for us. Ironic isn’t it

You know how Christians have the what would Jesus do bracelets? Yeah all I got for that when I go to say or do something is my college roommates saying “God Dan, you’re so white”

So when we making Israel the 51st state?

Been goofin too much this next week we lock in!

It’s crazy when the all you can eat sushi is cheaper than all the other local sushi spots

Dude LinkedIn needs to chilll with the notifications. The needy levels are giving Facebook

People calling 5/5-5/9 national short king week is wilddddd

You remember in high school when they told you there’s no such thing as cold it’s just lacking thermal energy? That’s how my bank account feels sometimes. I’m not broke I’m just lacking disposable income.

I do appreciate the irony that when Wordle got big a few years back I skipped it cause I wanted it to be an app and now I’m glad it’s a website cause it doesn’t take up space on my phone