Iris

the pain is coming from inside the house.

and explicitly this is not to explain away genocide. it's just ... i guess i'm just think about how people are split between their existence and what is right sometimes, and to reflect on ... the limitations of logic and empathy. because we all have blind spots. and sometimes ...

but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, you know? that the place that you came into existence is toxic enough to tar itself, and by proxy you, with garbage? to be presumed to be for something terrible, it feels like, because of who you are?

it makes me think of ... i used to be online friends with someone who was russian. (he left before the ukraine war.) we had ... a lot of differences. he seemed sometimes ... ashamed of where he was from.

and ... i mean, i'm american. i'm frequently ashamed of where i'm from, especially overseas.

the obvious response here is to say something like "Well, that's what happens when your country has been found to be committing genocide". but like ... that doesn't really help anything, does it? to say that to these people? to say that they deserve it??

i sometimes try to push back gently, to point out ... how the world is. but one just made a post about how the NYC mayor-elect is explicitly anti-israeli, and how it feels like if they talk about where they're from now, people kind of look askance at them. just for the fact of where they're from.

I wish that there were rational ways to explain and have mutual agreement of things. but sometimes ... i think the things are too harsh, too raw, for that sort of communication to happen.

eg: i know a lot of people who are very pro-israel. and i know some people who are explicitly israeli.

i bought some reeses/chips ahoy cookies. my wife's review of these cookies is:
she took one, stared at it, said out loud "this looks really disappointing", and put it back

(it's still really great. i'm going to be playing it for a while though probably, just because my brain doesn't want to really engage with the whole strategy of it very much. it just likes the numbers going up)

the game got tired of me being bad at it and finished the storyline without me LOL. rough stuff

just bought the game q-up and this is so much up my alley. great game. flipping so many coins

just realized trump ordered over 200 billion dollars in new illegal taxes, then refuses to spend half of that amount they've already collected to do something so frivolous as "feed over a tenth of the country for a year". what a guy

me going to Culver’s:
“Instead of but her emails, I say butterburger”

time to make some house music for fun

i mean, it makes sense with the story. you open up tomato cans with rocks

every time i update my midi tool gumroad is like "hey, send all the people who downloaded it an update email", but if i try to click it and send the update gumroad refuses to send it because i haven't earned enough money lol

max for live update: i made a gumroad and like twenty people have downloaded my little subharmonicon clone. also i made a simple synth. so, TLDR: I have mostly figured stuff out and can figure out what i wanna make now

i love sports. they're just so dumb. a boston celtics star shaving his head tonight on a livestream because his hair product was leaving black spots on his opponents' jerseys during a game. where else is that happening

when i went to college the first time i had a $10 rice cooker and threw a $.50 bag of vegetables into it, or plain peanut butter and jelly when i ran out of my meal vouchers (they made you get a plan so i got the cheapest one). ... when you don't have much, you get ... creative.

Update: I have made … something. Almost what I was trying to make, actually. #gettingthere

i am trying to learn max for live. it's really difficult. feels like trying to communicate in pidgin english to avoid learning the language or something, which ends up just being more complex than learning english itself. feels like I'm stretching my brain out a bit x.x

with the weirdness of everything circling/
i'm a vulture for dumb shit that rhymes!/
eternal golden braid turns into AI slop/
(it's some shit that's so cursed that it poisons the bots!)/
&etc.

i'll never be anything interesting/
in the end my life's pointless (so's yours!)/
but that just means i'm free to be weird at things/
i'm not good at the good so i've got to be floored

i wish society had a collective understanding of what words mean

me: "I've figured out a hack to mixing songs. just put a brick wall limiter at the end of the chain and then it's always at the volume you want"
me:
me: "why does my song sound like shit???"
(oops)

me, two weeks before the deadline of a remix contest: "Oh, I like that artist! I should do that"
me, one week after the deadline of a remix contest: "What was that remix contest I was going to do? ... Oh. ... Oh yeah. ... Well ..."

i think it's more of a wishful hope than an actual vibe shift to be honest.

hopefully never

it's simply enjoyable to be in an in group vs. an out group, and to be a more select part of the in group. And the more select/small/etc. the in group that you are in is, the more you feel like you cannot be kicked out of the in group (even though you can always be kicked out of the in group).

I think there are a lot of good answers to this, but the most relevant one is that it feels good to be Right. Not normal right, but Right, where You Are Better Than (group x). So even if you are in a large political group, it feels good to say, "No, I'm the BEST part of political group!"