lee's autistic adventures

I last upgraded like 5-6 years ago so it's getting a bit outdated...does anyone know if it's better to buy a prebuilt now? or is waiting worth it? or will waiting make everything worse? what should I do?

oh yippee. and i was just thinking i really need to upgrade my pc becasue it's starting to have issues and freezes/lags while i'm working on projects. sighs. Hopefully the ai hype crashes and burns before my old pc does :/

seeing/hearing about all the shit happening in this country (US) and also around the world makes me nauseous and gives me a migraine and I will throw up if I cant ignore or escape it. but it's ~my responsibility to stay informed~ you say? I will puke on you. 😭🤮

I need a social program for autistic people that matches us with other people so we can make friends or something. i'm tired of doing all the work. someone else can do it for me!!!!

yes i know this....but who is to blame then? everyone who makes my life difficult? whats the solution to it? I cant control people. I cant make them accommodate me or accept me or treat me the way I want. if it's not my fault, I cant fix it. accepting poor treatment doesnt feel right either. sighs.

finding out i'm autistic was a relief because I learned my failed human interactions aren't my fault. but things didn't get better. i'm still failing. and i'm told i cant blame others OR myself. so is it autism's fault? I want to be proud autistic and fond the good in it, but is it ruining my life?

I hate when I get close with people and we have consistent plans, make future plans, and they give me things to look forward to,,,,and then they just ghost me without warning. I need things to look forward to. having that always taken away suddenly all the time is so distressing.....😭

holidays are coming up...that means i'll have to sit through family dinner twice and listen to my republican family talk about politics, worship trump, and talk about how people like me are disgusting creatures that deserve to die. yippee 🙃 if only I had friends to visit instead

it's unfair and uncalled for and i'm so tired if investing my time and energy into people like this! go get a therapist and dont use me just to decide you need an enemy in order to live and mark me as your enemy because i'm the most available. youre becoming the person who abused you to me now! 💀

it's like they cant live their lives without having am enemy. if escaping the abusive person who caused them all their problems doesn't solve all their problems, they need someone to blame for them. someone to blame for still having anxiety and and stuff. so they blame me and push me away violently!

I hate that I attract people who want to be friends and bond over trauma and stuff and they will first confide in me about people who hurt them and cause trauma and ruin their lives. then after I help them through it and they escape those people, they turn on me!

why are people so allergic to being specific? i'm hyper specific and people get upset about that too! so confusing. you make more work for yourself by not being specific! if you dont eamt questioned, leave no room for questions!

not sure why people get so annoyed and impatient about specifying things. why be vague and then get mad at people for asking questions? unless it was because someone after me was being impatient so they were already annoyed by them thats why I got the unprofessional reply? I dunno 😵‍💫

directly and just say 3d prints are banned to make room for real effort. so I ask again for clarification if mine is considered "no effort" since they wouldn't specify and just kept saying "3d prints" and not which kind. I needed to know. and the reply i got sounded very annoyed???

am example is cons banning printed goods because it's low effort. I spend HOURS sanding and painting my 3d printed figures. I post an example of my work and ask if that's allowed and they only mean the prints people sell in bulk that they dont touch with their hands. they dojt respond to me

I hate when people are vague about something, so I ask for specific clarification with example and they just repeat themselves exactly, so I repeat their words back at them asking if my example fits there (when im sure it doesnt) and they act like i'm being snarky at them and are kinda rude in reply

people act like it's my fault for not knowing things they think is "obvious" or "common sense" uts my fault i'm not chronically online or have friends to learn things from. if you want me to learn, or dont know if it's on purpose, ask me if I know what it really means then inform me. easy, right?

i'm so good at accidentally saying wrong or bad things without realizing or being aware of them. and instead of calmly informing me, people get mad at me about it. why do I never get the benefit of the doubt even though I give it to everyone? I don't understand.

or my experience is like one friend group one of them kept reassuring me they all like me and want me there whole others ignored me, but found out they wanted me gone after being gaslit for so long! EVERYTHING IS SO CONFUSING I CANT EVEN TRUST MYSELF. i'm told i'm paranoid yet i'm always right! 🥲

I wish I could just ask people what they want but that's why i'm confused. they ignore me and make me guess and read their minds. so I guess wrong. if i try to make them tell me what they want and dont drop it, they get mad at me for trying to "control/manipulate/etc" them. the fuck.

my friend with abandonment issues got mad at me "demanding all her attention all the time" apparently for reaching out like 4 times in a year. another friend that kept to themself a year later blocked me because I "stopped caring and won't talk to them" after they said theyre too busy to talk now
😵‍💫?

i've had all these scenarios happen multiple times. I ALWAYS choose the wrong one! I try to go based on what I know about them. for example: they have abandonment issues? I keep reaching out every few months. they generally keep to themselves? I give space. i'm always wrong somehow????

I never know what people want when they go silent and ghost me or stop reaching out.

is it some kind of "hint" they want me gone and to leave them alone forever?
do they want space and I wait for them to come back on their own?
or want me to keep reaching out even if they aren't responsive?

cant even trust people that tell me they are honest and straightforward. they still lie to me and hide things behind my back and let themselves get annoyed at me for socializing wrong and then blame me for not picking up their stupid useless hints. it's better if I don't bother anyone and be alone😔

"disabled people who dont work or people who need government assistance are just lazy!" i'm going to go out on a limb and assume these are the same people who use and support ai to make money so they dont have to do work themselves. they already support billionaires who make others do all the work.

I hate when people tell me i'm too negative and need to be more optimistic. I consider myself REALISTIC. I think the difference is if you generally have good luck and say nothing good will happen, thats negative/pessimistic. but if it's your normal, you're being realistic by preparing for the bad.

too many people on the internet who get a following act like theyre celebrities among lower-followed people and it makes me feel so disgusted and annoyed. especially since i've experienced people like this who act above me because they had 2000 followers and I had 500. it was gross.

that and they think they're more important than they are because they have more followers than someone 😭 instead of accusing people of being "parasocial" because you think youre above them, just tell them you aren't interested in new friends and want to focus on the ones you have or something? idk.

"i dont respond to people who message me because they think I want to be friends and get all parasocial" whats wrong with people wanting to become friends?! especially if an artist wants to befriend another artist? I feel people misuse "parasocial" to justify being antisocial to everyone

need to find something to focus my entire life and energy and mind on that has nothing to do with other people and can sustain my attention so much I forget people and the world exists!!!! like when I was a kid and nothing but my interests existed and my only friends were characters on tv