Cam

To call these written at a snails pace would be an insult to snails, but here’s another one.

open.substack.com/pub/camwise/...

when an AI support chat bot says “that sounds frustrating for you to be experiencing” I want to karate chop the entirety of Silicon Valley

PIXAR EXEC: What’s your pitch?

ME: So, Disney on Ice has been a wild success for years. I propose we take it to the next level.

EXEC: Go on...

ME: *revealing green tights under clothes* ˢʰʳᵉᵏ ᵈᵘ ˢᵒˡᵉᶦˡ

i was there gandalf. i was there 3000 years ago. shit was poppin’.

The perfect pillow is always thicker than your current pillow, but less thick than your current pillow folded in half. That’s just science.

Engineer 1: How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?

Engineer 2: Barely deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough for a rogue current of air to send the shelf’s contents plummeting onto a person's toes.

Engineer 1: You read my mind.

I can’t tell if I just witnessed a riveting production of Romeo and Juliet in the park, or a joint suicide.

Restroom walls are the great equalizer.

It’s the only place you’ll see Walt Whitman quoted directly alongside Kid Rock.

For everyone aiming to be happier in 2025, stop relying on others for your happiness.

Also, buy a knockoff roomba and cheer it on as it swoops around the house while you drink champagne.

Engineer 1: How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?

Engineer 2: Barely deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough for a rogue current of air to send the shelf’s contents plummeting onto a person's toes.

Engineer 1: You read my mind.

Restroom walls are the great equalizer.

It’s the only place you’ll see Walt Whitman quoted directly alongside Kid Rock.

A man went to call me “buddy” and “big guy” at the same time and accidentally called me “big buddy” and I can’t stop thinking about it.

*Andy Warhol heavy breathing*

My only New Year’s resolution each year is to not die. That way I’ll only know defeat once.

[first day at work]

Boss: Today you’ll shadow Gary and he’ll give you the lay of the land

Me: I’m flattered but I’m seeing someone

Talking about the animals in the room when the conversation lulls is the polite aperitif before the next conversational morsel arrives

December, 34 AD:
“I miss Jesus.”
“I’m gonna bring a tree into the house. He would’ve loved that shit.”

The one time I tried to put reindeer antlers on my cat she said the word "don't" in a normal human voice. Too afraid to recreate this under lab conditions.

I’m so inescapably white that I’ve called Lil’ John, “Little John”. You know, like Robin Hood.

the fifth type of taste is umami but the sixth is ayepapi

*watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*

secret santa at the cia prolly goes hard as hell

Leaving the travel tags on your backpack or luggage is the adult equivalent of leaving the concert X's on your hands in high school.

"Oh, these? It's nothing, I'm just well traveled."

claustrophobia is so stupid. let Santa get married.

ME: I need to apply for eternity leave
HR: you mean paternity leave?
ME: which one means I quit?

I work with a man who travelled the world for 25 years. I asked him what the strangest thing he's ever eaten was.

He replied, "hot pockets."

Funny enough she’s a kindergarten teacher.

Fucking mothers and trucks? The nerve!