coop

can’t get over the urinal
conversations at work. why is the regional sales manager engaging in awkward small talk w me while we both have our exposed penises in our hands

I am woke and it’s an incredible feeling

the ayahuasca worked?

lofi beats to seize and swallow your tongue to

this was on Mar 10, nearly 3 months ago. I’ve grown. Changed. A man who is no longer volatile enough to cut his own sack

no, I haven’t “heard the new lorde song.” the only lord I listen to is our lord and savior Jesus Christ

I swear to god if the media makes tomlin walk I'm going to start a riot

what if instead of mission impossible it was mission I’m possible? Ethan Hunt goes on an eat pray love style journey to discover himself and find inner peace

me as an interviewee: I need to be prepared for every question and make sure my resume is immaculate

me as an interviewer: i skimmed the resume bc I’m mostly here for a vibe check

huge opportunity for low time scammers to charge cash for an “assessment” to take care of downed trees

they should put something in ic light mango that makes you shit your brains out if you’re one of those sickos that drinks it when it’s below 65 degrees outside

will howard seems like he got caught smoking ditch weed in high school and overcorrected way too hard. started talking about how blessed he is to be on the right path

bracket: busted
nuts: rusted
ass: crusted

I sent so many nefarious text messages on this thing

unpacked generational trauma at family dinner last night (realized my grandpa died on the day Tom Brady won his first Super Bowl)

this is the way

a lot of things are really dumb about the digital age. but I got a panicked email from a Pilates studio I went to 5 times in 2019 about the toilet being so massively clogged that they have no idea when the bathroom is gonna work again

one thing I know for sure about the Aaron Rodgers situation: the decision making process will be as insufferable as possible

thanks for making sure I stop at 12 sack cuts

if you see me walking down liberty like a man with 12 papercuts on his scrotum you know the deal has been inked

if the Steelers sign Aaron Rodgers I’m going to perform 12 paper cuts on my sack

watching it go from 159am to 3am makes me defiant. you know what? now im never going to bed

found a pair of size 13 rollerbladers thrifting. had them in my cart ready to go. they were perfect. I decided to try them on, and all the dried out rubber straps snapped immediately after buckling them.

realized last night that my muscle memory to whip a tshirt/towel at someone is fresh and strong. do not test me

nvm I got a guy for it

can they lobotomize you just enough to cure a hangover. if not I guess I’ll take the full rosemary kennedy

listen to videos/music over the phone speaker w no headphones in public. try it. have no masters.

hammer and scoober would be beautiful names for a set of twin boys

only a sick little freak intentionally buys unpitted olives. you like tonguing and sucking the pit out? give it a rest you perv

YouTube video by JPEGMAFIA Valentines Day Freestyle '25 💕 (unmastered)

he said happy Valentine’s Day to all his haters