Retro Stuff That Exists

Maybe when babies cry, if you translated it they'd just be the pettiest little cows.

A 70s Polo easter egg: A milk chocolate egg with 3 tubes of Polo mints.

This @scarfolk.bsky.social-ass-looking Polo easter egg exists.

A scene from Lidsville. A Boschian nightmare of hats.

A Lidsville hot pink lunchbox and thermos set.

Lidsville, a live-action Shoe-People-But-Make-It-Hats show, exists.

The aimed-at-girls equivalent of Mattel M.U.S.C.L.E. figures. They are called C.U.T.I.E.

Apparently girls with M.U.S.C.L.E.s don't exist.

The box and contents for Kenner's NEW SPiROMAN! A mad-eyed head, one arm, what looks like some plastic donuts and cheese. The pack is from 1968 but looks older.

SPiROMAN set up. It looks like a studious plastic man sat at a desk drawing a picture with a pencil shaped like an umbrella, but instead of legs it has two pendulums? WHAT.

Spirograph's SPiROMAN exists. I...I don't understand what I'm looking at here.

The cardboard pack for some Fiendish Feet Tremblers. They are described as 'Yogurt Jelly with Sauce' and come in Strawberry, Orange, Blackcurrant and Raspberry, and Banana and Toffee flavours.

The lids of some Fiendish Feet Tremblers.

The pots for four Fiendish Feet: Three Tremblers and a rogue festive yoghurt. All are yoghurt pots with feet. The tremblers include a yellow dragon, a generic wobbly-looking orange monster, and a pink monster with spiral eyes and wielding a hypnotist's watch. The stowaway yoghurt is a spooky looking snowman.

You may have heard of Fiendish Feet, but did you know jelly versions of them existed?

Thunder! Thunder! ThunderHare! (Ho!) 😘

A button badge advertising new Thundercats Intergalactic snacks, with the Thundercats logo and a picture of Lion-o looking majestic and uncomfortable.

A badge proclaiming your allegiance to Thundercats Intergalactic Snacks exists.

A set of Pepsi 'Cool Cans'. Pepsi cans with pop-art and 80s designs.

When lined up one on top of another, two neon-designed cans appear to spell out the word 'SEX' vertically.

Pepsi Cool Cans and the notorious subliminal sex message exist.

Two packs of felt-tip pens labelled 'The Raccoons Pen Pals'. One has the three Racoons on it and is labelled 'Turbo Color 1'. The other has the Sneers on it and is labelled 'Change Color'.

Racoons-branded colour-change pens exist.

A Dragon's Lair collectible sticker. It says 'IT'S A THRILLER' and features a knight in what looks like a magical electric chair.

A paper Dragon's Lair rub-off game. It shows a knight battling underwater with snakes.

These awesome Dragon's Lair stickers and rub-off games exist.

A toy Knorr lorry.

No, YOU can have the stock-cube-mobile! The least cool toy car exists.

A violently pink can of Heinz Barbie pasta shapes in tomato sauce.

Tinned Barbie exists.

A baby Care Bear. It has a peach-coloured plush body and a hard, flocked face with a round mouth designed to take a baby bottle, which sits next to the bear. It is wearing a little bed-jacket.

Baby Care Bears exist.

A magazine ad for Bonne Bell LipShades. It says, 'Flippin' out over new LipShades: The easiest ONE handed LIPSTICK with smooth moisturizing color SPF 15 and FLAVOR you'll lick your lips for! Your LIPS will really FLIP!

Flippin' out over new LipShades exists. And apparently two-handed lipsticks do, too.

A California Raisins 3D comic with 3D glasses.

A panel from the California Raisins 3D comic. The raisins approach the fourth wall. One says 'Gee, what do we look at first?'

The California Raisins exist, and it's like they're coming right at you.

A purse with Winnie the Pooh on it, labelled 'Pooh's Purse'.

This purse to put your pooh's in exists.

A Radio Shack Burger King headphone AM radio. It has burgers for earpieces and reads 'Aren't you hungry?'

Aren't you hungry? This Burger King walkman exists.

A print ad for Fruit & Fibre cereal. A woman holds a bowl of what looks like white glue topped with cereal and berries. She grins toothily at the camera while biting on the upside-down bowl of a spoon. The tagline says 'I call it Fruit and...and, simply delicious!'

This woman who doesn't know how to use a spoon exists.

A page from a sticker album. Includes various scented food stickers, Chips Ahoy, and Burger King stickers.

A page from a sticker album. Includes animal, fruit, crayon, flower, unicorn, Ziggy and Poochie stickers.

A page from a sticker album with Garfield and Rainbow Brite puffy stickers.

A page from a sticker album with Rainbow Brite, Garfield, My Little Pony and Muppet Babies puffy stickers.

Here are some awesome sticker album pages that exist.

A boxed doll called Miss Party Surprise. Her skirt opens out to reveal a princess party playset.

Miss 'There's a Party Under My Skirt and Everyone's Invited' exists.

A spread from the 1980 Muppet Diary. Gonzo is painting a picture. Sam the Eagle says, 'I may not know much about art - but I know what I don't like!'

Part of a picture featuring a host of Jim Henson characters. At the top, Waldorf says 'I don't know much about art, but I know what I don't like!' and Statler laughs: 'Dohohohoho!'

The 1980 Muppet diary exists, and makes a joke I worked into my own Muppet picture without realising it had already been done!

A 'We're the Mini-Pops' LP featuring children dressed as miniature Adam Ant, Kim Carnes, and others.

A Mini-Pops 'Let's Dance' LP featuring children dressed as miniature versions of Bananarama, Boy George, Elton John, and others.

A Mini-Pops LP featuring children dressed as miniature versions of Buggles, Boney M, Dolly Parton, Abba, Shakin' Stevens, and Madness.

A 'We're the Mini-Pops' LP 'As Seen on TV', featuring 'All your favourite hits'.

All your favourite Project Yewtree hits exist 🤢

A boxed pack of Always Sisters dolls. Three fancy blonde girls. They are called Lauren, Meredith and Abby.

An Always Sisters doll in her box. She is called Blair. She looks like a total bitch.

An Always Sisters doll in her box. She is called Brittany. She looks like she would shank you in your sleep.

These dolls that all sound like the kind of girls that would have bullied me in school exist.

A She-Ra Princess of Power money box shaped like her head.

This decapitated She-Ra head money box exists. Take her skull and fill it with pennies, you monster.

Print ad for an M&Ms watch. It is made to look like a movie poster. A long, snakelike, orange arm ringed with several M&Ms watches slithers across the page to reach into an M&Ms packet. The tagline says, 'Just when you thought it was safe to roll up your sleeve'.

This deeply disturbing ad for an M&Ms watch exists.

'Someone Else's Baby' by Geraldine Kaye.

An excerpt from Someone Else's Baby: 'Pictures cut out of magazines, East 17, Take That (I'm a Take That fan and no kidding), Madonna, you name it I got it. But not just pop stuff, there's dogs and horses and royals, William and Harry, Bob Geldof and Ian Botham...'

An excerpt from Someone Else's Baby: 'I haven't seen Annabel since which is really mean when I stood by her when she said "Piss off" to that policeman after the Take That mega-bash and got herself arrested.'

Excerpt from Someone Else's Baby: 'It's the 1990s, Dad, not the flipping 1890s'.

'Someone Else's Baby' by Geraldine Kaye exists. I wish I knew what era it was supposed to be from.

'You accidentally call your boss "mum" during an important meeting. If you run away crying, go to page 26. If you quit your job altogether, go to page 105.'

A still from an ad for Telephone Tammy, a doll that calls you on the phone. She is talking to a young Mila Kunis in a Blossom hat.

If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. This doll on the phone with Mila Kunis exists.

A Choose Your Own Adventure book called The Worst Day of Your Life. It includes a more-than-human-sized bull smashing up a living room while a boy flees up some foliage-entwined stairs.

This inaccurate representation of the worst day of my life exists.