Hewitt Huntwork

He just wants to mow his lawn and drink his beer and make sure others have fewer rights than he has

Does anyone else think it's weird that 40 years later there has still been no change in the number of luftbaloons?

Save it for the tribunal, buddy.

Friends from Minneapolis reporting to me that things are at the point where folks are being hidden in other people's houses and we are in the "again" part of "never again" which the "never" was supposed to preclude

I say, "still using that old move?" whenever anyone does something physically impressive. From Cave Dwellers.

I don't watch the NFL because they're not woke ENOUGH. It's a classic case of damned-if-you-don't / damned-if-you-don't.

I'm also having my own halftime show. With an even worse bunny

I love the first day of the Olympics. You know, those events where the winner goes on to the next round and so does the loser.

The Winter Olympics are objectively superior because it has:
• Frozen shuffleboard
• Fifteen different increasingly lethal variations of luge
• SKI GUN

Fun fact: Trump is mentioned in the Epstein files more than Jesus is mentioned in the bible.

And that’s just the unredacted version.

Sloth. Envy. Greed. Easy peasy!

Yes, FBI? I’m calling to report a murder.

Imagine the kind of insane shit you'd have to do to get the nickname "Bazooka Joe" just for people to only know you for some mid ass bubblegum

Memorial or tunnel? This era isn't the time to be vague!

We only get Britbox for a month or two at a time when it goes on sale but next time it does I'll get it and you can visit and finish watching!

Lived with my folks on and off into my 20s. Always trying to crack my mother up. Once in the grocery store we saw those little juice barrels with the foil tops kids like and I pretend begged her to let me get them. Looked over and saw a woman I'd gone to school with staring. The embarrassment!

That guy is the star of probably my favorite comedy series - Peep Show. He was also on a Britbox mystery show about a newspaper puzzle maker who impersonates his detective brother after the detective brother goes missing. You would like that one! If only I could remember the name...

BREAKING: Area Man Has "Killing In The Name Of" Stuck In Head Lately All Day Every Day For Some Reason

The United States is so fucked up right now, whenever I see one of these ads I root for the serpent

How I Got Kicked Out Of The Hive Mind...

Hive Mind: We really need to clean this place up.

The Part Of The Hive Mind That Used To Be Me: We'd love to, but we're Just. So. Tired. And don't bother us with this nonsense again. We should know we're never going to get around to it.

This is counterintuitive to the way I think about music. Here's me trying to come up with even one: How about... NOPE! Or maybe... NOPE!

I think we should call him President Rapestein. That way, no matter what he does to try to distract us, the reminder is right there in President Rapestein's name.

AND the cats were fast as lightning, which means a lot of kung fu related thunder. Meteorologists were like DON'T LOOK AT US, THIS IS BECAUSE OF FELINE MARTIAL ARTS

The darkness of this joke is exquisite

Their discussion of wishing our opponents' ill is a sorely needed element in the discourse. At least in the media I consume. It's a daily - perhaps hourly - struggle for some of us.

cop: drop the gun and don't do anything funny
me (Borat voice): my wife
cop: okay now the gun

Art!

BREAKING: Foo Outbreak Surges After HHS Disbands Foo Fighters

BREAKING: Billy Joel Reveals He's Been Cranking Out New Verses To 'We Didn't Start The Fire' Approximately Every 12 Hours