Yael

I don't need to watch unboxing videos, I have Opening the Microwave with ADHD. Will it be empty? Is yesterday's breakfast still in there? Will I go to heat up my coffee and find another mug of coffee? The passport I just spent $150 replacing? Impossible to say

Me: It's important to give people grace. You never know what battle they're fighting.

Me in traffic: I hope you can juggle, because you drive like a fucking clown

The left and the right hearing Trump call Mamdani "a very rational person"

Idk I just think it's important to remember that if you knew you were consuming propaganda, the propaganda wouldn't work.

The fact that this is the pope makes it even more surreal that we're in living in this bad of a timeline.

Unfortunately not as much as I'd like with my chaotic new job, but I've missed it so much 😭

Walnut is not feeling well & has taken this opportunity to reach the next level of cling.

Big year for depraved idiots.

Sending out my Halloween cards through the ghost office.

I am so tired all the time

Good news: the most pathetic dweebs you've ever met finally left their moms' basements. Bad news, we gave them guns and tactical gear.

Dog trying to befriend a Halloween decoration

Zinnie doesn't understand why this cat won't be her friend. Who's going to tell her

If I had a restaurant, I would let ICE agents eat there whenever they want. Oh and my restaurant would be called Snapplebees because we only serve Snapple bottles filled with bees.

Trying

So we're all just one light breeze away from completely losing it, right

Forgive me if I'm a big idiot. But why does the government get to vote on whether or not to release the Epstein files? If I buried a body in my backyard, do I get a vote as to whether or not I let the detective with a shovel in or what

I don't know man. At this point, paying taxes feels like giving a bully your lunch money so they can hire more bullies to steal your lunch money.

[Wakes up] I really can't deal with this right now.

I bet spiders get pretty excited when they see people laying in hammocks

"Not all jobs are supposed to earn you a living wage" oh for sure, this is my recreational job.

Joe Rogan reminds me a lot of my dog in the sense that the most recent thing he heard is the most exciting, and is also the only thing he remembers.

"The only true way to fail is to stop trying" nah bro I found like 6 other ways

8 hours of sleep isn't enough anymore. I need the kind of sleep that comes after a long day in the sun, smoking a joint, and doing a shot of NyQuil. The kind of sleep I'll need therapy after because I'm no longer sure I even exist.

Gotta hand it to him, Charlie Kirk did make one final very persuasive argument for protecting the second amendment.

Sure it's not great in this context, but seeing Hallmark's line of "Thinly-Veiled Confession" birthday cards finally getting the attention they deserve is pretty exciting.

American healthcare system tip: It's significantly cheaper and faster to find a psychiatrist on Tinder, go on a date, and act really interested in his career to get your medication questions answered than it is to make an appointment with one.

lmao congrats on being woke, bro. Got a raging hard-on for updating your worldview based on new information? Just horny as hell for gaining a deeper understanding of social issues? This motherfucker straight up cares about other people lmfaoooo

I was too young to appreciate how similar I am to my unexpectedly raunchy grandma before she died, so in her honor, here's a joke she loved:

My grandma: Did you hear about the guy with 3 penises?

My grandpa: What? How did his pants fit?

My grandma: Like a glove.

No I don't want to "put some in the fridge," these are my emotional support six different drinks.

No way the brain that used to call my friends' houses and talk to their parents or siblings with no guarantee that they were even home is the same brain that now convinces me that ending friendships is easier than responding to a text I neglected for 2 weeks.

People with ADHD for the entire day when they have an appointment at 3 pm