Yael

Super Soaker

Of course we're all filled with microplastics. This was the most popular water bottle for a solid decade.

In high school, I was complaining about how long the school day was and my teacher turned to me and said, "the days are long, but the years are short" and I was like "what the fuck are you talking about you lunatic" and then the bell rang and now I'm in my 30s.

Me: 8 cookies is Too Many Cookies to eat in a day.

Me: [Eats 8 cookies in a day] ok well now that I've had Too Many Cookies, any more would still just be Too Many Cookies so really all cookies are fair game for the rest of today.

Sometimes I get anxious when I do something well because maybe people are going to expect that forever & anything I do afterwards is disappointing by comparison. Like, sorry but the Very Good Job I did was a big accident that won't happen again.

Just pressing "update later" every single day until I have to get a new computer. Also doing the human equivalent of that to my body until I straight up die

I just think that if someone isn't a pedophile, they'd be very excited to prove to everyone that they absolutely aren't a pedophile. They'd show everyone the Big Pedophile List like, "look, I'm super not on it." unless

The most beautiful experience I've ever had was 2 years ago in a grocery store, when I saw someone from high school from across the produce section. We locked eyes, had a simultaneous flash of recognition, and made a silent, mutual decision to pretend we didn't notice each other.

I want to be cool and mysterious but I cannot fucking stop oversharing. I overshare so much that it makes people think I must be lying or hiding something which I guess circles right back to mysterious. nice

A show about successfully stealing birds from an aviary, call it How to Get Away with Murder

Tinder is one of the most terrifying places in the world. What do you mean you're 28 and a surgeon? Who is letting a kid cut people open? "I've been flying planes since I was 16" someone call this child's parents

Noise-canceling headphones aren't enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist

Not to get too political, but it'd be great if fewer bad things happened and more good things happened.

Sorry for the delayed response, it's just that I don't give a shit about any of this. Not even a little

Solve a debate for me: after how many energy drinks in a single day is it healthier to just do coke

A 10 year old asked how tall I am and I said "around 5'9" but he insisted I was definitely taller, "at least 6 feet tall" like the little dude is already preparing to be a guy on a dating app

I'm tired of "working hard" and "trying my best." I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

Smelling candles at Home Goods until I feel lightheaded like I'm doing the suburban mom version of whippets

I sure say "it's all good" a lot for someone with an endless running mental list of everything that is extremely not good

Funny Bone? more like Tickle Me Elbow.

lol I am so tired

If you're worried about people remembering every embarrassing thing you did, think about it. Can you remember other people's embarrassing moments? No. That's because you're the only one who's ever done something embarrassing. What the fuck is wrong with you lmao

Computer: Want to update?

Me: Maybe later.

Computer: [Excited] Ok! When's good for you? An hour? Are you free tomorrow?

Me: Yeah sure. Whatever.

[1 hour later]

Computer: UPDATE??

Me: Maybe later

Computer: :( ok

Detective: We're going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I'd rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

Tired of people being like "here's my go-to easy meal" and then starting to preheat the oven

Happy pride month to my mom who in quick succession, fired off "she he her" before yelling "THEY" and exhaling with such relieved finality that she forgot the rest of the story she'd been trying to tell.

When I pay for a doughnut, I should be given both the doughnut and the doughnut hole. Tired of being robbed.

Sorry I'm running late, I did absolutely nothing for the four hours before we planned to meet because I didn't know if I had time to start something without getting interrupted, and I was still frozen in indecision up until 5 minutes before I was supposed to be there.

This is ESPECIALLY true for you 🖤

Can't remember to take your meds? Start taking them immediately after you feed your cat bc guess who will never fucking forget to remind you to take your meds

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I'm better than everyone else

[Getting dragged out of The Cheesecake Factory by two large line cooks] IF YOU DON'T MAKE THE CHEESECAKE HERE IT'S NOT A FACTORY [panting as I struggle to break free] IT SHOULD BE CALLED "THE CHEESECAKE WAREHOUSE"