Jay Black

The fact that it’s a Murdoch paper that’s printing all these leaks makes it all especially delicious.

Is it all a set-up to get Vance in there? Maybe, but I don’t care.

Vance might be as bad as Trump, but I’m a petty bitch and I’ve been waiting TEN YEARS for karma to show up.

My 9yo is in Tier 3 camp, which is a program for advanced students.

My 14yo is a counselor.

One of her classes is “Broadway” & the 14yo told me the 9yo’s project is a musical about women’s suffrage.

I just can’t believe my genetics contributed *anything* to these amazing kids.

My wife made soup today and seasoned it with herbs she grew in her garden.

I made the unfortunate mistake of complimenting this as “being WAY more tasty than usual.”

I hope you’ll respect my family’s privacy as we take a step back from public life and try to heal from this.

I will be suing my high school yearbook editors for not giving me “class clown” for senior superlatives in 1994.

Inspired by Donald Trump’s very sane and not at all crazy lawsuit against The Wall Street Journal, I am seeking eleventy-nine sextillion Spanish gold doubloons.

MAGA, who do you think “made up” the Trump card?

Like, if you were making up evidence, wouldn’t it be a photoshopped picture or some doctored emails?

Do you think some WSJ editor said “WHAT IF WE MAKE UP A NAKED WOMAN BIRTHDAY CARD WITH WEIRD, OBLIQUE DIALOGUE IN THE CENTER?!”

Can’t believe the Wall Street Journal released video of Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein snuggling with each other at a Coldplay concert.

MAGA,

Hi, it’s me, your good pal, internationally-beloved comedian Jay Black.

This is, like, your 257,000th offramp. But, it might be your last one.

From this point forward, it’s either take down the Trump-as-Rambo poster or defend a pedophile.

Up to you, clock is ticking.

The birthday card from hell, that’s what people are calling it, proves two things.

One that Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein had exactly the kind of relationship we thought they did.

And two, Donald Trump writes the worst dialogue I’ve ever seen. And I write *Lifetime* movies.

Just watched the Twilight series with my 14yo daughter.

It’s *shocking* to me that Kristen Stewart, a very fine actress, was lambasted for her choices playing Bella, while the guy playing Jacob got a pass.

That dude had abs and only ONE emotion, which was “Huh?”

#TeamEdward

This is the “I coulda gone to Harvard if I actually tried in school” of dating takes.

If you like multiples of 5, my instagram page is a thing of beauty right now.

“If there was anything incriminating on the Epstein List, the democrats would have released it!”

Cool, since there’s nothing incriminating on the list, so you should NO PROBLEM releasing it, right?

Right?!?

South Jersey Magazine.

www.southjerseymagazine.com

MAGA accounts all agreeing with each other in unison always feels like Arnold Cunningham from “Book of Mormon” trying hard to sell Elder Price’s sermon. “The Bible is actually a trilogy and the Book of Mormon is Return of the Jedi? I’M interested!”

Shocking how many fall for it.

For the last year, I’ve been writing a column for a magazine.

It just occurred to me that, aside from a couple of reader I know in real life, I don’t know what anybody thinks about my column.

And I LOVE that. Maybe allowing everyone to give immediate feedback was a mistake.

If I had Elon money, I would buy the rights to Rebel Moon from Netflix and hire James Gunn to reboot it just to rub it in to the whiny Snyder fans.

There is a 100% probability that every person posing in front of Florida’s Alligator Alcatraz road signs has at least one riverboat casino that they’re banned from entering.

Pam Bondi is about to be thrown under the Access Hollywood Bus and then backed over a few times.

Donald Trump picks cabinet members about as well as red states pick presidents.

A bald, red-pilled narcissist using social media monkey-bots to bully a good-looking liberal man before finally being revealed as a traitorous, overly-emotional, whining loser?

Okay, I can see why so many MAGA incels are hating on Superman.

Yuuuuuuup

Watching what John Fetterman has become makes me finally understand my father’s look of disappointment when he saw me play baseball.

Day 11 of visiting Aunt B in the hospital, which means I get a little card that entitles me to a discount for parking.

Frequent Flyer perks for hospitalization feels uniquely American.

That said, I’m grateful for the financial help, even as I’m bummed at the reason why.

Yep. America’s Snow Day.

Idea: The Purge but just for cocaine.

I used to think we haven’t met aliens yet because it’s inevitable that civilizations will blow themselves up after they discover nuclear energy.

Now I’m older & I know better. It’s podcasts. Societies end after they invent podcasts.

The solution to the Fermi Paradox is Joe Rogan.

Last November, way more people than I would’ve ever expected looked around at the world and said, “What we need is more measles!” and then followed through on that, hard.

I’m a plane nerd. Y’know how when you’re out and you see a plane flying overhead and you wonder what model of plane it is and you wish you had a big, hairy dude next to you to quickly yell it out? Well, that’s me!!

…wait, that’s NOT something you wish for?

Huh.

Does MAGA understand just how terrible all their art would be if they got rid of “woke” people?

It would just be Kid Rock singing over the credits of a Ben Shapiro-produced movie about Gina Carano & Dean Cain teaming up to stop a trans person from giving poor kids free lunches.

One unrealistic theme in the new Superman movie is that tech oligarchs are power-obsessed lunatics who don’t care if people get hurt so long as they get theirs.

UNRELATED: did you hear that Elon accidentally Hitlered up his AI?

The most unrealistic part of ANY Superman move is that a thriving newspaper exists in 2025.