BEDBUG SPREADER

20 years ago a glowing rune rolled out of my pants leg during gym class and imbued me with the power to sense tragedies several seconds before they would happen. until now I’ve never told anyone about it

whats happening in the world is awful. a good pair of Blue Jeans should cost $10 no more no less

vending machine at work is out of honey buns “it’s a fucked up world with fucked up people…”

Traveler, we need you to buy more beer—and fast. I’ve marked the corner store on your map.

if i got to invent a celebrity coffee drink for Dunkin it would have fresh snow crab cream cheese and root beer and i would cal it The Insult.

(unreasonably mad voice) Did you hear they’re giving the Orange M&M gel insoles.

It’s Arlo’s Gotcha Day and you know his silly ass got a pop sicle to celebrate!!!

eating a apple before I go to my doctor appointment in order to study its effects on him.

You don’t hear much about boygenius these days. Granted you hear about a lot worse stuff instead.

This guy keeps pretending like Frantardo Baldwin isn't real. I don't get the bit, and I think it's a bit tasteless to his victims, but whatever

in my early 20s I invented a new Baldwin brother named Frantardo. it was supposed to be harmless fun. but now someone with his exact name and physical description has been connected to hundreds of terrible crimes all over North America…

Cats the world over are learning to play fetch while millions of dogs forget. And nobody knows why..

Taking preworkout and staying home in order to itch and invent new ways to get upset.

you might have noticed that interstate signs are impossibly large. this is because they were constructed by the Nephilim centuries agao..

I am normal about navigating the interstices of daily life.

for any body who is Pocket Watching I have $137 right now. Does this amuse you? Are you happy?

browsing Blue Cross Blue Shield web site taking 10 psychic damage per second. however this is the best and most efficient health care system in the world so what i am experiencing is likely a Me Problem

Today getting stuck in traffic is one of the main dramatic scenarios. The Ancient Greeks did not predict this

The Toy Freaks

Might go see a doctor this year. If they’re cool with it

[guy who hasn’t read a book since 2015] i have trouble remembering certain words do to Long Covid.

once you stop trying to use it for noble causes the Time Machine has great utility for many pranks and gags.

Don’t really know what a football is. Geometrically I mean. Sort of elusive to me

just invented this might call it some shit like “Macaroni”.

Some people suggest that prehistoric humans had access to powerful magics like necromancy and conjuration but lost them due to poor stewardship. Not really my problem

There could be ancient civilizations we don’t know about. But I’m not sure.

laundry day and vacuuming today also might bust out the crock pot later also.