Matt Eitner

not now, kitten. daddy ate an egg that fell on the ground and a street-smart white blood cell and a by-the-book cold pill are currently fighting a virus voiced by laurence fishburne inside his body

Thinking about this more, it'd just be the plot of Danganronpa. A few kids, locked in a school, prevented access to sports radio while society falls apart outside

Jesus Christ lmao

There’s vomit on his sweater already, Curt Cignetti.

you laugh but it's true. i've made millions of dollars this year picking up drugs for my various ailments from a series of struggling pharmacies.

"Coworker hearted your message in Outlook!" Ok but why can they do that

They should have let Humpy take the lead, and then ten feet from the finish line, shot him with a harpoon gun

Get there early

mariners

WHEN THERE’S TREASURE BEHIND THE WATERFALL: Oh wow. Yes, very clever! Waterfall treasure! No one’s ever done that before. Lazy jackass

WHEN THERE’S NO TREASURE BEHIND THE WATERFALL: Wow. Too stuck-up to put treasure there huh? Too much of a fucking ICONOCLAST for that? Piece of shit. FUCK you

He’s going the hell off

ive seen two dudes im familiar with get wildly doxed over the past couple weeks there. now on the one hand that's already happened to me and whatever, but on the other hand that place is a cesspit and actively wants you dead or starving

i deactivated twitter today. it's becoming pretty obvious they're feeding personal information to bad actors and when i flew back into LAX from France a week or so ago i saw an agent going through a US person's phone. it's just not safe to use

Charlie Browns mom: Waaah wah wah wah waaah waaah waaah wah

Charlie Brown: oh, you mean pigpen

Charlie browns mom: Wah way. Waaaah wahwahwah wah wah waaah waaaah wahwhawah wah wah

Charlie Brown: yeah I get that. It’s pretty bad over there but I don’t think they hit him

if liking sexy ladies makes me a monster well, bust out your torches and pitchforks. i will not back down on this

Those kids are going to have the weirdest case of Mandela effect in 15 years.

Rolex subreddit post: My uncle has Alzheimer's and is often forgetful of his possessions. One of them is a Rolex Submariner. Would I be justified in taking and caring for it as my own instead of having it left neglected and forgotten in his jewelry box? Thanks.

the subreddits for luxury watches are some of the darkest places on earth

i want computer to make movie for me. i want computer to talk to me. i want computer to take my job. i want to fuck computer. i want computer to mock and devalue the very spark of ingenuity and creativity that makes us human

i've had it podcast, i wasn't familiar with your game

That could be any former Mariners blogger for all we know

Caillou's dad: (texting) caillou is freaking the fuck out

The pivot from “I’m building god” to “I’m building a jerkoff tool” is pretty funny

In play, run(s) across the board for the big guy

He really put a "but I'm different" in his eulogy. What a mind.

Dude he's cooking today lmao
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