Kyle W. Karmelita I

The amount of strange dudes I’ve ended up standing in my bathtub with has really become a big stat for me lately

Everyone keeps talking about 6 7 so confidently around me and I am afraid to ask what that is…

Kyle: “I don’t know who I pitch for my tv show idea. … it’s just a nature show..with Kyle. That’s it.”

“Clearly I would just meet animals”

The birthday card that my life insurance policy sent me (late I’ll add) feels very spiteful.

When people say “you will bring shame upon this family” I often think about this time I took my 21 year old nephew with me to a comedy show and he came downstairs wearing pajama pants….

Some say I’m still sighing about it to this day.

Please when you see me with only a plate of cheese know that it’s not just all my cheese…

Nothing’s weirder than your landlord showing up with the other landlord you’ve been trying to replace them with. I feel like this is the type of rush you get when you set up 2 friends for a date.

I’m such a salesman I may have sold a house that wasn’t even for sale.

To the person who has had a pending offer on the house I want… shit or get off the pot….

Thank you

My cat is 2 for 2 in showing her butthole while I’m in the middle of a zoom interview.

I did an xlookup all by myself and I need everyone to high five me and tell me I’m the smartest man to walk this earth.

Thank you

If you’ve ever asked me randomly “can I call you…” I’ve most likely called the police on you. Sorry.

#anxietythoughts

You ever just reflect on the all of times your partner finds you covered in blood?

The other day while on vacation I was sitting on a bench talking with an unhoused gentleman who told me that he was a trillion years old.

I can’t help but to think that I may have met God in Las Vegas.

I’m like the participation trophy of stand up comedy… I’m not the best but dammit am I just happy I was included.

“Are you nervous?”

“… I ate 200mg of edibles before this… I’ll be alright…”

I recently auditioned for the play 1984 and I gotta say…

…Not the Big Brother audition I thought it was.

#expecttheunexpected I guess

The more I watch BMF the more I want a gold chain.

One of my most frequently asked questions is “Kyle, how do you have the time?”

And to that my friends, I say… ADHD. Like hardcore amounts of unfiltered ADHD with an interest in literally anything.

Wing stops atomic wings have kind of a mid heat for such a bold name

Nothing irks me more than when I wear my house shoes out to the store…

excluding the shady gas station

Sometimes you just have a long day and need a reminder to watch Old Greg… remember the boat times

Therapist: What makes you think you have OCD?

Me: Because I considered rescheduling the session when someone sat in my chair in the waiting room.

I like that the elevator to my therapist’s office is all mirrors. It’s a nice reminder of what I’m there to face.

I’m like the Dave Portnoy of Chili Dogs, Rubens/Cubanos, and Pulled Pork

While looking at summer decor with my wife.
*wife carrying a ☀️

Stranger: “oh your sun is really cute!”

Me: “thank you, but I’m actually her husband…”

** everyone stares at each other **

“I heard Kyle lost his mind?”

“Oh yeah it was real tragic, he got a cold in May and his ears wouldn’t pop, and he just sat there honking like a goose, chewing gum all night until he finally went mad”

The Food that built America documentary narrator..

“James Kraft… “ essentially was a real human

Me super hyper focused
“No shit…”

I laughed at a mime today… I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore

I wonder if the sweet Jehovah witness lady that stops by once a month to pray for me will ever notice the mezuzah… but honestly… I think we are just friends now… like the retired mail man who “owes me one” or the Unhoused gentleman with respectable comedic timing. #adayinthelifeofkylekarmelita

To my work mates I’ve really committed to these bits this week

Someone from the future trying to not be suspicious

An alien posing as a human trying not to be suspicious

A robot posing as a human trying to not be suspicious

And a turtle… posing as a human… trying to not be suspicious