Bill Ferris

Creamy pints

It's not reasonable to ask people to vote for a candidate who promises to make their lives worse

We spoke with one of the world's most miserable assholes:

The neighborhood kids addressing me:

Starting a GoFundMe so I can bribe the president for a pardon

Yeah sure, there's this fiery ball just floating around in the sky, whatever you say pal

Being on the line and seeing her through the kitchen window is like catching a glimpse of something huge through the porthole of a submarine

DECEMBERISTS VOICE:

She can't stop it, but she could certainly try to slow it down, and she notably hasn't.

Comic. A man asks: What makes you happy? A crying woman responses: I don't remember.

Whenever I get some free time to enjoy myself

It seems like one of WAPO's problems was chasing a demographic that had been trained to distrust mainstream news and whose only interaction with newspapers was to leave nasty Facebook comments every time their local paper posted a story.

It’s not a plot hole that Elmo has been 3 years old for 50 years. He was bitten by The Count, willingly. Elmo asked for the Dark Gift

having your city noticed by the president is now a natural disaster on par with a hurricane or major flood

It's a monument he is building to himself. It MUST be torn down.

It must be so cool to know that your congressional representative will never do a single thing to improve your life unless you already have $100 million, and sees his job as a lifetime appointment whose duties amount to getting extremely upset about TV and doing a bunch of sweaty posts about it.

Thank you

I don't know how to define it exactly, but this post radiates Milhouse Energy

Getting to the wrist, then hearing it ding like a typewriter and sliding it back like you're Wile E Coyote

gradient.horse Draw a horse, watch it run!

omg everybody go draw a horse this is what the internet was made for

gradient.horse

"WHO WANTS LOTTERY TICKETS??"

My dream is to say "Chief?" and have someone respond with "McCloud" but it has never happened

ME: What happened to me?

DOCTOR: A wizard changed you into some kind of gelatinous monster.

ME: Oh God! Change me back!

DOC: Sorry, it doesn't work that way. It'd be like changing bread back into flour.

ME: So I'm a loaf of bread??

DOC: Ha ha, no, more like one of those weird British puddings.

The NFL realizes you must never try to placate these people because hating the super bowl halftime show is a load-bearing economic pillar for them.

you gotta revamp this post game format. it's a pop tart bowl world now. the people crave cartoon violence and enormous contraptions. you are being left behind

Marge says: WELL, KID ROCK ALSO HAS A SONG TO SING. DON'T MAKE UP YOUR MIND UNTIL YOU HEAR BOTH SONGS.

Me and my homies watching the super bowl

I almost feel bad for the people who have to pretend they enjoy this

I have a long-standing grudge against stunt burgers, they look cool but are unpleasant to actually eat!