Amadei, Suburban White Woman

I was on a boat, but now I’m currently on a plane & there is every food I want except there’s nothing spicy except spicy chips but those are for Daddy.

Oh, now we’re home & the plane turned back into a boat on a river in the jungle.

Living with a four-year-old is a fever dream.

4yo, apropos of nothing: Mommy, a circle has zero sides.

Me: Oh, yeah? Did you learn that in geometry?

4yo: No. I learned it in school.

It’s tough being ruled by this tiny tyrant but she is a mostly benevolent ruler.

She then handed me back their scoops and informed me that she *gives* food, because she’s a food fairy, but she doesn’t put the food things away. 😂

4yo while feeding the dogs: I’m a food fairy! Mommy, I’m a food fairy and you’re a mommy.

4yo: Sex! Sex sex sex!

Me: What?

4yo: Sex, Mommy!

Me: Sacks?

4yo: No, no! Sex like you, Mommy! *points to my feet, then to her bare feet*

Me: Ohhh…socks…

Staff really really trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear with this one. 😅

Ah, Skittles...the gayest of candies... 🤦‍♀️

I just sent an email to someone with an @aol.com address. What decade am I living in?

As I wrote this, I also cackled to myself because "In the Car" is another song on that album.

In the car, listening to @barenakedladies.com, skipping through the playlist...

4yo: Nooo, I want Uncle Hal.

Me: Uncle Hal? What?

4yo: Nooo, UNCLE HAL.

Me: Who is Uncle Hal?

4yo: Like what Daddy drinks!

Me: Daddy drinks Uncle Hal?
*brain click*
Me: You mean "Alcohol?"

4yo, exasperated: YES.

4yo: *runs up* Call me a weirdo!

Me: What?

4yo: Call me a weirdo!

Me: You’re a tiny weirdo.

4yo: *giggles and runs away*

Me: Yep. Definitely a weirdo.

4yo: I just peed and I put my sticker in the toilet and I flushed it.

Me: You flushed your sticker?

4yo: I put it in the toilet and I flushed it.

Me: Why did you flush it?

4yo: Because I didn’t want to get my hands wet.

Well, okay then.

Client: Did you watch the baseball game last night?

Me: Oh? No, I didn't.

Client: You look tired so I thought maybe you stayed up too late watching.

Me: Heh, no. I have a four-year-old.

Client: Oh...that'll do it.

Them: Thank you for getting to that so promptly! You're so efficient!

Me: It's either I do it immediately or I forget about it until the heat death of the universe, so...you're welcome, I guess.

4yo: What's this song?

Me: "Love, Maybe"

4yo, confident: No, it's "Love."

Trying to pick out one of those window cat beds and came across this review.

Ma'am, this is not the bed's fault.

The Venn diagram of "men who are 'big into crypto'" and "men who don't understand why women chose the bear" is an almost perfect circle.

Isn't it weird? Like...I could have sworn I only had two days left.

How's today going?

Well, I walked into work convinced that it was Thursday and was very confused about how I missed an email sent at 8:23am on Wednesday.

That's how today is going.

I buy books to support authors I wanna support more directly and get all my audiobooks from the library. 😂

Starbucks Guy: Can I get a name?

Me: Amy.

SG: That’s a popular one today.

Me: It’s not, really, but I try to make it easier for you guys.

SG: [scans my phone & sees my name] Oh, God, you’re not kidding. That’s not even close to Amy.

A milk jug with an expiration date of September 11, 2025.

I bought this one so we wouldn’t forget when it expires.

I’m not obsessively checking my email to see if my book order has come into the bookstore; you’re obsessively checking your email to see if your book order has come into the bookstore. ><

Girl, you say you're bi (in the comments), but I think you might like just women.

It's very much "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 😂

Bananas, chocolate chip cookies, and iced chai lattes. Sounds pretty good to me.

WE DO ESTATE PLANNING. I WILL GET FIRED.

Though the husband on the last meeting I set up probably would have gotten a kick out of it.

I just realized I can customize the passcode when I create a Zoom meeting and it is taking all of my willpower to not make it 8008135.

[several files have gone missing]

Me: I feel like I'm going crazy. Or like some mouse has come and just stolen the files.

Boss: That would be one bored mouse.