eurello

“Well, but this will last me for three dinners,” I lie to myself consolingly before eating it all that night.

I was 39 with my first and 44 with my second and while I agree, I do think having a baby during perimenopause and being forced to run around after my kids and do stuff all the time has kept me much healthier than I otherwise would have been. Super hard, though!

Mom at pediatrician: “Oh that was for the muffin incident, insurance didn’t cover that one.”

Her toddler, loudly: “WE DO NOT PUT MUFFINS IN OUR EARS! WE ASK FIRST!!”

Just dreamed I’d earned a graduate degree but the school decided to withhold it because everyone found me so unpleasant, and honestly? Fair.

Me: I have to stop adding things to my life, I’m so exhausted, I can’t keep going at this pace.

Me five minutes later: I should take the kids to Disneyland over Christmas break.

I don’t think boys should grow a scrotum until they’re old enough not to poop on it.

Me: “Awwww snuggly boy, who’s snuggling with mama.”

Baby over my shoulder: quietly vomiting into my hair.

literally anyone who has done abortion rights work in the last 30+ years could tell you that "destroy science by any means necessary" was the only thing on the bingo card

Not the point at all, but one thing we’ve learned from reality tv is people definitely behave impeccably when they know they’re on camera.

Steven K’s wife is about to have a long phone conversation with her mom.

Having a June birthday sucked as a kid. All my friends were out of town or whatever and so no one ever came to my party.

Or at least, my mom said they were out of town.

Wait.

In Sweden, parents are entitled to 18 years of paid parental leave after their child is born.

Sweden sounds great.

I’d love it if just once Mayo or Cleveland Clinic just said “we don’t know how to help with this at all and it’s never been a priority to figure it out. It won’t kill you, so good luck!”

According to the medical literature, repeated clogged milk ducts can be caused in part by wearing a bra that’s too loose or one that’s too tight, and by your baby feeding too much or too little. Also there’s no rules on how much a baby should feed, and you shouldn’t time them.

“Instagram, show me stuff from the people I follow.

No, not that dumb bitch!”

I had one of these, and this has brought back a lot of sense memories. I probably made ice cream with it one time, but it was a pretty good playset even without that. It was the only Barbie thing I had, since I was much more of an ice cream girl than a Barbie girl.

CHOTINER: So you were extremely hungry.

MY BABY: Yes.

CHOTINER: And this was an emergency?

BABY: I’d say it was urgent.

CHOTINER: You certainly acted like it.

BABY: Well, it was.

CHOTINER: And then after one swallow, you fell back asleep.

BABY: Ok, but that’s, you have to consider—

I love when the baby hits at me with his teensy fists. Lol baby you can never defeat me, you are so smol and uncoordinated.

a trader joe’s employee who says “really? these fucking suck, in my honest opinion” to every single item in your cart

The 4yo has started saying that she lives with Mr. Nobody because he’s her friend, and this is not disturbing at all.

Binge-watching RHOA and not speaking to anyone for weeks, out of terror of slipping into imitative AAVE: one white woman’s story.

A baby’s scalp smells like whoever has been holding him and thus is an unforgiving truth teller, not for the weak.

Would you like your child to be a super genius who’s a little hard to talk to? Tylenol!

Me: ok, the baby is finally asleep, time to shut down and finally get some good rest!

My brain: I like to move it move it, I like to move it move it, I like to move it move it, I like to MOVE IT. He likes to move it move it, he likes to move it move it, he likes to move it move it, he likes to MOVE

As far as my family goes, the baby might still get raptured but the four-year-old is definitely staying here with me.

Newborn equivalent to panicking about where your phone is when you’re actively using your phone is thinking you hear the baby crying when you’re holding the baby.

When I waited tables I had a guy who looked like Drew Carey so I loudly made fun of Drew Carey being a libertarian.

It was Drew Carey.

He laughed to himself and tipped me $100 on a $40 bill.

There are too many apps. 90% of apps should instead be a better website.

I remember this one because my college roommate and I hosted this annoying girl over the holiday break who no one else would put up, and she ate all the Dalmations out of my roommate’s gallon of this. Which in retrospect was a hilarious thing to do.

There are many things to dislike about this administration but forcing me to be on Jimmy Kimmel’s side is up there.