@viktorwinetrout.bsky.social
Contributor: @theonion.com @sorrowscopes.bsky.social, @riversidecasino.bsky.social, @greenevillezoo.bsky.social Creator: @sorrowscopes.bsky.social
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
i believe it
17.02.2026 01:26 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0He looked kinda like my girlfriend's husband
17.02.2026 01:22 — 👍 55 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0He seemed angry
17.02.2026 01:16 — 👍 74 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0❤️
17.02.2026 01:14 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
i'm angry and i came up with it
16.02.2026 20:46 — 👍 5 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0You gotta check out the new Bran spinoff: Treeman
16.02.2026 20:15 — 👍 7 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0America means 'God farted here'
16.02.2026 06:24 — 👍 8 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Keith means 'God is trying his/her best'
16.02.2026 06:21 — 👍 30 🔁 1 💬 4 📌 0"I don't look good in white"
16.02.2026 06:06 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes today because I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership
18.07.2023 23:16 — 👍 401 🔁 56 💬 1 📌 0(first day at the cult) yeah I’m not wearing that
26.08.2023 08:17 — 👍 543 🔁 113 💬 5 📌 0imagine killing a whole mammoth and ur crush is like sorry im only into gatherers
20.06.2024 05:41 — 👍 666 🔁 139 💬 10 📌 3Cheryl means 'God stole my lunch'
16.02.2026 05:32 — 👍 47 🔁 2 💬 2 📌 0Dave means 'God could be worse'
16.02.2026 05:26 — 👍 63 🔁 6 💬 4 📌 0There are so many names which mean ‘God is good.’ It would be funny if there was a name that was less definitive. Like if Jeff meant ‘God is okay’
16.02.2026 05:24 — 👍 213 🔁 25 💬 15 📌 2Always a bridesmaid, never a pulsating orb of light
16.02.2026 03:06 — 👍 130 🔁 25 💬 2 📌 0You know who else was pinned at the top in front of his followers?
10.10.2024 22:52 — 👍 2188 🔁 310 💬 93 📌 17ok i just listened to the cockney pronunciation and you're right-- it's the posh version i was thinking of
16.02.2026 01:44 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0i could take him
16.02.2026 01:35 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0[upon hearing the toughest guy in England pronounce tomato] I could take him
16.02.2026 01:33 — 👍 94 🔁 12 💬 3 📌 1i'll give you that
15.02.2026 20:55 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0i listened to his first album like 400 times
15.02.2026 20:54 — 👍 6 🔁 0 💬 2 📌 0haha made me think of this:
Cop: The sign says 55 miles per hour
Steven Wright: I know, but I wasn't gonna be out that long
AYN RAND: it is Rational and in fact Noble to care only for one's self because who knows if anyone else is even Real with an inner life like you, plus you're the Main Guy so your happiness is like the whole world is happy
NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATHS: wow what an interesting and totally New belief system
but then it would be illegal to drive the car
15.02.2026 20:49 — 👍 11 🔁 0 💬 2 📌 0Being an adult is cool because you’re exhausted all the time but you also get the satisfaction of not really accomplishing anything
15.02.2026 20:44 — 👍 826 🔁 170 💬 7 📌 5should've mentioned the white supremacy
15.02.2026 20:19 — 👍 66 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0I bought Twitter for $44,000,000,000 and sold it back to myself for $33,000,000,000. I have 43 kids and no friends. Everything I make explodes
29.03.2025 13:12 — 👍 41519 🔁 6965 💬 835 📌 265
