John ... seriously? ...

I popped the question* on my girlfriend and she said "Yes"!

* Who is your favorite prog-rock band?

... so ... you ... do? ... 😂

YouTube video by Sesame Street Sesame Street: Martians Discover a Radio

youtu.be/z_trSIBCgF0?...

... raaaadio, raaadio, yep, yep ... 😂

... hey, accidents happen ... 😁

... I owe that psychic a big apology. yesterday she said I'd meet someone with the initials B, I, or F who would entirely change my life. I laughed it off and went on my way.

today I was arrested by the FBI ...

... I bought a camouflage hunting outfit at a garage sale.

I got it for a buck ...

... or super glue for Vagasil, whichever ...

... silly me. I thought the Go-Gos song "Our Lips Are Sealed" was about the blonde who mistook super glue for Chapstick ...

... say it snot so ... 😁

... *first date*

she: what music do listen to?

me: I'm mostly a fan of progressive rock.

she: really me too! you like ELO?

me: oh yeah! are you a Moody Blues fan?

she: definitely! do you listen to Renaissance? what do you think of them?

me: they're faire.

she: *leaves* ...

Please stop asking if you can see the Secret Chimp. You don't see the Secret Chimp. The Secret Chimp sees you.

Oh hey! Good morning! 🩷

TV screen shot of skier with lower third reading “CAN ERIK READ.”

yes, but he still has to sound out some of the longer words

...funny but true ... 😁

Live footage of me meeting my therapist’s new intern.

... I hear her vagina candle smells like steamed clam ... 😁

... my softball card:

Height: 5'7"
Weight: 193
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
Position: Futility Infielder

Pros: Reliable; Hustles (the good kind); Always tries his best (see: Steve the Otter)

Cons: Two speeds, both low; Confuses eye black and Chapstick; Always asks for directions to 3rd base ...

... PSA: If you put the tail on a Jurrasic Park dinosaur toy, DO NOT try taking it apart. I think I gave myself an aneurysm ...

Smiling chihuahua with black and tan shepherd coloring, bug eyes and missing front tooth.

this is what you get when you soak a german shepherd in mountain dew

A cheetah behind the shoulder of a prone wildlife photographer.

"Pssst."
"Shhh!"
"Whatcha doing?"
"Waiting."
"For what?"
"A cheetah."
"I hear those are beautiful."
"They sure are, fast too, now hush."
"Can I wait with you?"
"Only if you're quiet."

... nah, that's my "Intro to Amateur Radio" tutorial ... 😁

... gonna start doing a podcast about cooking pork called "Life Hocks" ...

... I'm guessing your career as accountant didn't pan out ... 😁

Food poisoning can mean whatever you want it ptomaine.

... PSA: you can be Christian and not be an asshole about it ...

... I'm guessing someone donated their body to McDonalds ... 😁

... that explains the $1500 charge from PetSmart on my AMEX statement ... 😁

... Steve suddenly realized he was not cut out to be a valet ... 😁

... avocado is the devil's fruit ... 😁