Beanie

(also you can tell i'm in a good mood because last night i literally paused a youtube video to go work on the novella instead

i mean. just making edit notes and not writing which is my happy place anyway

but STILL it took me like half a week to even do that much)

I AM SUSPICIOUS

and if the last times have taught me anything i'm gonna crash out again in another 8 days

guys holy shit i was in a good mood yesterday evening AND still so far this morning

please please please no more mental health crash outs please let my antidepressant have finally stabilized i'm fucking begging

i want to second draft the novella. it's just not going to happen

it's horrific in every way, there's literally no denying that. there are 3 paragraphs i think are good, and one chapter with decent dialogue but shit narration

i have the motivation to fix it. but not the energy or attitude

everything in the universe is telling me to quit writing. and it fucking sucks

i always wanted to do this. i wanted to be good at this & publish SO BAD i got a DEGREE in this

instead, i have piles of shitty manuscripts i can't even read without feeling like i'm going to vomit

at this point, i'm frustrated. i don't know why my mood's in the gutter. why i can't write one sentence without highlight it and cussing myself out in the scriv annotations. why it puts my body in fight or flight mode

i don't know why wellbutrin only worked briefly and now it's not at all

nope i just think sanderson is a shit writer

i'm not saying anyone's more credible than him i just also don't think sanderson is someone i respect enough as a writer to listen to.

its been irl
it's been on here
it's been on reddit
it's been on discord

you do NOT share writing that isn't up to snuff. give them your best! but if your best fucking sucks? tough titties!! (i am here)

nope

ask everyone who's ever said it's unacceptable to give people shitty writing because your book has to be damn near perfect for betas

i'm not the one saying this. i'm the one who is entirely too shit at writing to ever improve because i can't improve without feedback but im not good enough to share

but also to actually answer your question

don't ask me. ask literally everyone who's ever snarked a novice asking a "silly" question or who posted a "how do i tell someone their writing sucks" question to reddit or everyone who partook in orc city memes because making fun of bad writing was funny

and i think brandon sanderson sucks so lol

good news

im quitting writing, forever, just 500 words to the end of novella draft 1

there's no salvaging any of this

and i've spent too much of my life shitting on bad writers to be a hypocrite

i fully believe writers should be good. i'm not. i'm finally growing a spine and following my morals

it's a double edged sword, because my writing anxiety has driven so much of you away and made it hard to engage. but frankly, that's preferable to me than the alternative

what if i give confidence a try and you all think i'm terrible? i've seen what happens then. and i can't go through that.

everyone LOVES to say "put yourself out there! if you love your work, we will too! convince me it's worth my time!"

except, if the work you're putting out there doesn't meet their standards, you get publicly shamed, and people on r/writingcirclejerk will snark you for lacking self-awareness

okay, last thought, then i'm taking a bsky break

to be blunt, the reason behind it, deleting my wip snips, and deciding to not share my writing, is because of how the writing community treats the confidence and passion of writers when their work isn't good

it's mean-spirited. it's discouraging.

like, i'm happy for you all and everything

i just hate how i can't ever do that. i hate myself for apparently having absolutely atrocious writing and im the only one who can't see it

so just. yeah. i wish you all the best but i can't be on bluesky anymore, because i just feel so left out

three times now, people have assumed my polished and painstakenly edited fifth draft was a rushed zero draft. three times over five years, becuase i haven't improved

i hate how i can't share. because it just exposes how i have no self awarness to see that i wasn't good enough

alright, i have to take a break from this app

it's basically emotional self harm to me now. i keep scrolling and getting jealous and upset that you all are good enough at writing to share it, and it just makes me hate myself that my best is your worst, and i'll never be good enough

statistically speaking, my writing's shit. most writing is.

i've been on the other end, reading someone's WIP i didn't think was very good, where i got bored or DNF'd

when chances are high my writing's much the same? i won't be that person who does that to someone.

and i'm fine with that.

had a conversation yesterday that... actually made me okay with the decision to never share my writing

i won't stand behind writing i'm not confident in. i won't be proud of writing that needed more work.

i would rather be my only reader, than risk sharing something that was not ready

Can I boast that It became 1400 words and "an entire completed chapter in one evening" because I'm gonna boast that it became 1400 words and "an entire completed chapter in one evening"

I know "draft 2 is gonna be so much easier" feels like an Icarus moment

But hand to god, SOME of the novella chapters have been 1.5 drafted because they had false starts

Those are ALWAYS the ones that came easier (chapter 14 is one! and I accidentally wrote the whole thing today!)

Startled myself tonight because what do you MEAN I didn't even try to finish novella chapter 14, it just kinda snuck up on me

Anyway I have like 1000 words left of the novella to write in total, like 25% of the last chapter, no biggie or anything

(draft 2 is gonna be so much easier)

the little dopamine hit of writing a sentence with em dashes AND rule of threes

pry them from my cold dead human hands, im not changing my style just because some illiterate infants like to screech chat gpt at arbitrary ""rules""

i feel very meh and blah and still kinda shit today, not to mention disgustingly tired, and have a headache to round it all out

and yet, i managed to write 1k words and probably more?

look they're not good and i know i shouldn't ever share my writing because of it

but idc right now

I'd rather a story about the dragon reborn be a story about the dragon reborn

rand in the show never got a chance to be an asshole. because rand in the show never got a second devoted to how he feels about "by the way you're going to go insane, hurt everyone, and die young"

and it suffered for it

Oh but according to them you tottttaaally apparently can!

It just means you're bisexual apparently!

(Love how this is only said by the biphobes over there though because of course it is)

side note, explains a LOT about the vitriol i was getting in the wheel of time fandom for having the audacity to say i wanted the show to focus more on rand and less on moiraine

my bad guys, i forgot enjoying anything with a dude in it means i MUST yearn for the D (/s)

are people on the bird app REALLY trying to argue that you can't enjoy male media / male characters / mlm romance and be a lesbian? not even in a romantic way? bc people are trying to revoke the gay card of lesbians who (checks notes) watched heated rivalry?

lesbianism is when men dont exist ig