⛧ wingnut dongslingers union ⛧

people in this world really get push notifications about interactions on social media websites all hours of the day. i don't do much to protect my peace but on god you will never see an instagram banner notification on my phone's lock screen.

i'm actually 400% hotter when you can't see the weird shit i'm doing with my mouth all the time

straight man in my store having a psychosexual meltdown abt the cock ring that smacks you in the balls while u use it

that thing is calling to him like the green goblin mask & he's trying to fight it

fuck the detroit news all my homies hate detroit news

do u fucking mind

this literally just happened to me yesterday like. can shit please just not

they've been at it since 3pm

was feeling really good today about how productive i was & all the stuff i saw & then i got home to my ex housemates posted up on my fucking block so. not doing well anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!

like i know they just don't see retail workers as human but especially not retail workers in the adult toy sector but like. lmao. you wanna fuck guy fieri that bad huh

i know sexual violence/harassment is not actually about attraction it's about power/domination but if you're a straight normie boy it's kinda tattling on yourself to demand explicit masturbation details from this fuckin creature. you have braces. get the fuck out of my store toddler

[to the tune of Stray Bullet] HOME DEPOT

toasting eggo waffles in a frying pan on the stove cuz i still haven't unearthed my toaster

we are coming up with new advances in the field of Divorced Man Behavior every day

making direct eye contact with the bus driver while i open a tub of spreadable cheese to show dominance

i mean i accept comrade personally however random mfs yelling at me in public will not receive this memo lmaooooo

bonus trans wrong is when somebody just yells "HEY FAGGOT" and you stop and look because ope yes that is me

trans rights: ppl using the correct pronouns for you

trans wrongs: totally ignoring someone trying to get your attention like SIR. SIR. SIR--MA'AM? MA'AM. MISS. SIR!!!! because you don't register any of those words as possibly applying to you

put a lamp in the bathroom & honestly it fucking rules. love a good mood lighting while i poop

i NEED the lenox spice village reissue

if there is a thing in my house that cannot be cleaned with Dr Bronner's, dish soap, Simple Green, or Goo Gone i simply don't need to own it

i was struggling to get the last of this old oil residue out of my glass bottle so it wouldn't make the new oil go off & dish soap was just not cutting it but YOU KNOW WHAT DID. LIKE. INSTANTLY.

Dr. Bronner's

guess who is SEVEN

10pm. waxing my table with a pair of old underwear while i watch the nicolas cage movie i took out of the library. love being divorced

"what about your nostril piercings" those are fine cuz i had jewelry in but you see i took my septum out cuz it got irritated when i was puking blood and crying nonstop

body was like oh, we have energy to heal stuff now??? CLOSING ALL YOUR HOLES BOOM

body decided it was done having a septum piercing in exchange for "not puking blood anymore" and "allowing me to eat more than a nibble per day" so like ik it's not the worst casualty & i can always get it repierced i'm just bummed/pissed that this is how i lost it

i need to take the trash out by the end of the night too. buddy system

on the world's most pointless conference call & the DM keeps bodyshaming/lambasting people's eating habits as a metaphor for sales

"if you're not losing 10 lbs you're not thinking like a healthy person---" what if i kill you with a fucking rock

blue sour patch kid is like a wife to me

bro longlegged too close to the sun

got so amped abt a longlegs post as i was getting off the bus i dumped half my coffee in my totebag