Relaxed Freak

I always thought that Groverhaus looked fine, any port in a storm.

They used to tell you tapioca is for old people and sucks, and that quick sand was everywhere and killed a million people. It was all a lie man

Do you think Zohran tapped it on his tongue?

When I’m driving trains and parents with kids wave, I wave back. But I ignore solo men who wave because I want to further the male loneliness epidemic

Why is my country building Pokemon Gym ass buildings I need a medical facility

Price Andrew is no longer allowed to use the Coke freestyle machine at Buckingham Palace and has to go down the hall to the Pepsi spire instead

They’re all smiling because I told them you can have bender and OJ do the simpsons couch gag in Fortnite now

R/Shakespeare in the 1500’s: the Brevity is the soul of wit dickriders in here are pissing me the fuck off, m’lord

This chick at the coffee shop with a bifurcated tongue served me my coffee today and I definitely saw her deposit one charge of her venom into my cup but idk if I should say anything

I keep forgetting I have blue sky and then seeing all the old friends and mutuals that left twitter, it’s a nice surprise !

Kinda says a lot

Bumper sticker that says “my other wife has BPD”

This chick at the coffee shop with a bifurcated tongue served me my coffee today and I definitely saw her deposit one charge of her venom into my cup but idk if I should say anything

I’m gonna keep it real with you my good bitch, every time I post I have my toes out

tTfw you’re at the dishwasher and the dishwasher is finished and the plat— one of the plates still has some crud on it so you have to take take the playe out to the sink and then wash it your own self to get it just right 🤣🤣

All the kids now of days are getting fucked up on Benadryl so they can give the hatman road head

A Rube Goldberg machine made entirely of Indoor Towels that over the length of my house manage to unfurl an outdoor towel to lay over an unfavourable patch of grass for me to walk over so I can pick up dogshit with my bare hands

Why not simply talk behind the protection of an outdoor towel to obfuscate your talking

I just posted 6 not funny things in a row it’s allsome

Bed Bath & Beyond are plum out of Outdoor Towels and you’re laughing?

Oh yeah, sure. Indoor towels are $3 cheaper than outdoor towels now?

Calvin pissing on an outdoor towel

Fuck indoor towels, fuck outdoor towels. I’m buying towels specifically designed to sop up the dank crud my fridge makes under the little vegetable tray things

I invested 10M in comfortable, hand woven, pristine, 300 thread count indoor towels. And I am kill my self

If you’re a giant fucking loser lemme hear you say “woahhh”

I know it’s an adaptation of a biography and it’s verified fact but there’s just no way Oppenheimer dicked down Florence Pugh in 1944, she wasn’t even alive then bro

I love pissing in the toilet, realising I need a shit, taking a lovely protein filled dump that splashes the unflushed piss water back up onto my ass and brown taint area like a renewable resource

This is what I use to write down the url’s to my favourite jerk off videos