BEAVE

Beaver sauvage.

If a man can remember your eyes after a first date…you didn’t show enough cleavage.

If a woman can remember your dick after a first date… your bank account wasn’t big enough.

That's not an speaking engagement. You were at therapy.

they should make a real life that is more like online

How long does it take a Happy Meal to start working?

What’s my secret? Bangs, Botox, and a firm commitment to being a problem.

Sorry your BF thinks “labia majora” is a constellation.

i'm not sure if i've ever been right back when i said brb but no one really knows if that's when the aliens abduct me

My doctor said I need to reduce stress, so I’ve stopped acknowledging any problem that isn’t on fire.

i love the internet because instead of watching the news i can learn about the horrors in joke format

She lit up a room, like a flashbang grenade.

I need some answers that a Reddit thread from four years ago may not have right now

They should invent an empathy for men

Some days the world mutes you.

id sleep with literally anyone right now over the age of twenty one. and by sleep, i mean sleep. im exhausted.

* clutches anal beads *

i shit therefore i post

referring to death as "killing the vibe"

The feminine urge to turn into a fire breathing dragon and burn it all down.

hey I went to the jerk store and nobody knew you. they turned it into a Spirit Halloween, all new employees.

If feel this in my bones 🔥🔥🔥

Pressing ctrl-shift-t will reopen your last closed tab but the tab will be evil now

Going to Mcd's for an Imaginary Meal, where for five dollars I can get an empty Happy Meal box, two empty cups, and one used Mcnugget box so I can imagine just how good that ten dollar nugget tastes.

But I meant fuckface in a good way

Needles sound awful. Maybe picture them as gentle gardeners, like pistils tending to a flower in bloom. 😂

😬

Sometimes a mental breakdown is the only excuse I have for my behavior.

life is short

wear socks at the orgy

They see you when you’re sleeping