Jennofire

Did Trump pardon any turkeys this year? Because I feel like....I feel like I used to hear about presidents pardoning turkeys around Thanksgiving. Not the ex-president of Honduras convicted in a drug case. Am I not remembering this right?

Me trying to remove the glue booger from the tip of a bottle of Tacky Glue with an unfolded paper clip then getting excited as I realize the problem goes deeper into the bottle is like a Best Of clip from Dr. Pimple Popper.

My beloved

Is it weird that the guys at my tire shop recognize me and call me by name? Like Jesus. Mac of Mac's Tires: "You are mine." I'm like the 1 lost sheep but I bring myself in every other month with a big fat screw in one of the tires and he fixes it and puts me back on the road.

Kings Canyon National Park

How did it never occur to me that "adulterated" (to render something poorer in quality by adding another substance, typically an inferior one) is the opposite of "unadulterated" (not mixed or diluted, complete and absolute). My adulthood has been adulterated by my job. I need to unadulterate.

"From the feeling of sitting in steam...deliver me, Jesus"

I accidentally just typed "humidity" when I meant "humility" and now I am preoccupied with drafting a Litany of Humidity.

It appears that the dog was on a Zoom call and then...something bad happened. Maybe he realized he wasn't wearing pants. Maybe he saw his own double-chin. It's unclear. But he doesn't want to talk about it.

Thank you Lord for helping to make my divorce the kind where we didn't need to transfer custody of the children in the parking lot of the police station at 6pm on Fridays.

This week's installment of my bizarre dreams was particularly star-studded. It was like an episode of The Love Boat. Except without the Boat. Or the Love. It was more like The Horror Truck. With Special Guests: George Clooney! Neve Campbell! Our Lord Jesus Christ! And musical guests, Green Day!

I feel like I want to help you by adding characters into the comments even though I know that doesn't make sense: Jodi Mills, Jessica Fletcher, Barney Miller, Dr. Doofenschmirtz, Barbarino, Rose Nyland, Joyce Byers, Maude, the Smoking Man, Annalise Keating, Colonel Potter, MacGyver, Winnie the Pooh

I still think about my dad every day and reach for the phone to tell him about a song he needs to listen to or food I am craving him to cook for me or needing his progressive social justice Catholic take on a Bible passage. I just want to talk until he tells me his "elbow is sore" and he loves me.

I was sure this said that "unkind men are so often whiter in the face of unkindness." It still made sense to me.

Just remember that floods are off the table. But I'm sure you've got other options.

I just spent 5 minutes whispering positive affirmations to the washing machine when it believed it was helplessly stuck in an unbalanced load: you are strong, you are powerful, you are balanced, find your center, you can do this, I believe in you!

How have I lived this long into my adult years without my own handheld milk frother? Best 10 bucks I've ever spent. I use it to mix all of my drinks now. Regardless of whether they need mixing. "What are you doing, Mom?" "Frothing my water, honey... I'll be right there!"

My dog fearlessly, selflessly defends our home from the Amazon delivery driver, evangelists, a garbage truck a quarter mile away, and a leaf rustling in the corner of the yard, but at 3am takes seven and a half minutes at the doorway sniffing the backyard and listening intently before he can poop.

I have to assume based upon the use of hymnal as fans and the beads of sweat formed on my brow that my parish is experimenting with Hot Mass. Like Hot Yoga but with more kneeling. Perhaps it is to remind me that I am a sinner and to give me a taste of what is to come lest I repent. Or the AC is off.

I wish there was a Murder She Wrote / Scooby-Doo crossover.

Sometimes when we get knocked down, we can see what we stand for most clearly.

I just tried to text my dog.

It's been a long day.

So this is the new year. I resolve to spend more time singing duets with my dog.

Part 3

Part 2

Sunset, Part I

We picked strawberries in Minnesota and crossed the Mississippi on foot like it was nothing. She showed me New England and she showed me independence. She showed me how secrets make shame and she showed me how to write my own story.

Yesterday I said goodbye to my beloved aunt who introduced me to the Little House on the Prarie books, took me on my first plane ride, showed me that you could cross the street on the red, that it was vital to have your own money. She rescued me from my parents whenever I needed her.

At some point during Mass this morning I think I accidentally dropped my glasses into the purse of the woman next to me. I like to imagine her finding them later wondering if her purse had become a very unusual Advent calendar yielding her first gift: chipped, purple glasses for astigmatism

I want to call Car Shield for the sole purpose of telling them that Ice-T sent me.