No long term adult relationship has ever benefited from an argument that features the line "yeah well TECHNICALLY...!"

Thora Birch was reading her copy of the Old Testament when she accidentally ripped the pages. So, Thora tore a Torah.

Me arguing with my parents over jokes:
"UM, I've been paid LITERALLY tens of dollars to be funny, so I THINK I know a little more about comedy than you?"

Never put off until tomorrow what you can just not do entirely.

Doubt.
From Calvin Klein?

Indian wrestling is just two pairs of pants away from scissoring.

Example #346 of my ongoing daily neurosis:
Just about everytime I leave my house to take a walk, I think "Should I bring my ID in case I get hit by a van?"

White chocolate is a tool of the devil.

Mr. Hands

Sober Ben: I hope everyone takes care of themselves, and please purchase or order anything you can from a local business. We need community now more than ever.

Drunk Ben: Jimmy Pop is a criminally underrated lyricist!

To the lady that picked up her dog's poop in my yard, thank you.
Also, ha ha, you're carrying poop.

Do you think when they invented sliced bread, people were like "This is the best thing."

He's just hoping we don't follow the Old Testament directive on what to do with prophets who's word does not come true. Grab your rocks, folks!

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And by milkshake I mean low self esteem, and by boys I mean shame, and by yard I mean my thoughts running over and over.

Snow in the northwest is the only time anyone is intimidated by three inches.

I hate all blanket statements.

I don't have the periodic table of elements memorized, and I can't work the quadratic formula. But I can definitely map out an extensive tree of all the interconnected VH1 celeb-reality dating shows of the 2000s.

I'm having the biggest deja vu Mandela Effect today, but I also ate a bunch of mushrooms, so what do I know.
EVERYTHING

Chewy. Grandmothers love me.

If an attractive date is arm candy, I'm elbow saltwater taffy.

Me, every post:
"LOVE ME! I FEEL SO EMPTY! I NEED VALIDATION!"
Via jokes.

How many people across the country do you think have the Imperial March stuck in their heads today?

Hi, I’m God.

I had nothing to do with saving that guy’s life or making him president.

I promised my mother I wouldn't tell the story onstage of the night of my grandfather's passing until my grandmother was gone, because it's kind of crazy and I guess awkard if you're one of those weirdos with dignity. WELL GUESS WHO'S A BRAND NEW CORPSE!!!

"How about Lassie, but it's a dolphin?"
--The guy who pitched Flipper.

Headset mics make me irrationally enraged. I think it's because they are largely used by douche bags.

Remember: Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And every time a candy cane breaks, an elf gets beaten.

YouTube video by Furnace and the Fundamentals "Reindeer" (Pony XMAS Cover)

youtu.be/nScg6q659gY?...

Woo woo!

I'm old enough that I made an unironic "Whoomp There It Is" reference in a hypercard project I made in the sixth grade.