[David Attenborough narrating my life]
“Watch as the dumb husband puts away the dishes incorrectly, cementing his night void of intercourse”.

I was rocketed here from an alien planet, then my adoptive parents were killed in an alley by a radioactive spider, which bit me. An ancient monk took pity on me, brought me to a lost city, and taught me sorcerous martial arts until a gamma bomb exploded and mutated me into a vampiric were-dragon.

Just once, when a girl scout knocks, I want to open the door dressed as the Cookie Monster and go fucking nuts.

Why is it that when someone misses a joke and comments a serious response, they often will also have “aspiring shitposter” in their bio? Aspire harder, bro.

Existence-cancelling headphones.

My physical therapist said there's a lot more patients these days because of pickle ball. How embarrassing.

Started a cult, just me so far.

It is with great sadness that it is my pleasure to inform you that it pains me to say this

I can't think of a title for my TED Talk on 'leveraging AI to generate titles for TED talks'.

A billionaire, a sycophant and a fascist walked into a bar together.

The barman says "The usual, Mr. Musk?".

Them: I need a synonym for 'indispensable'.

Me: Absolutely necessary?

Them: Yes. I definitely need it.

Me:

"A bit miserable" is a good way to describe anything British.

I couldn't decide whether to leave through the revolving door or the normal door.

It was an exitstential crisis.

I once called an ambulance.

Which is when I gave up playing poker.

My friend constantly hallucinates heavy rainfall.

He's delugional.

Sure, we have our differences.

Two obvious ones being objective level of attractiveness and intelligence.

If I was a Norse god, I wouldn't want to be elaborate, showy, or intensive.

I'd want to be Loki.

I met a man from Nantucket,
Who really loved a bucket,
He'd strip off his kit,
Whisper to it,
Then he'd subvert the expected format of a Limerick.

I never argue with HR.

They usually get personnel.

Oh.

You're a personal intimacy contractor.

I thought so.

And if you look to your left, folks, you'll see a tree that I piss on.

I've been a cheese denier since I was a toddler.

From age two.

V gvn p vwls fr lnt.

YES. THEY ARE REAL.

[my many flaws, that is]

I am largely unmoved by what you humans refer to as 'romcoms'.

Apparently 'Chunky Monkey' is an ice cream flavor. As well as something not to call a colleague's toddler.

You incomplete me.

Sloth seems a lot harder than the other deadly sins. If you're human.

If I was listing my top skills, one would be written wording and the other would be that long word that means you know lots of words.

My wife asked me to choke her a little in bed, so I threw some skittles in her mouth while she was sleeping.